Determining the origin of the term “heavy metal” is an endeavor best left to the unemployed. What I do know is that the etymology of the phrase is much in dispute. Most intelligent people like myself agree that the term was 1) first used to describe the music of the band KISS; and 2) it was coined by comedian Paul Lynde who was so titillated by the homoerotic antics of Paul Stanley that he asked the band to perform on his 1976 “Paul Lynde Halloween Special.” Ultimately, who really gives a fuck.
PAUL LYNDE: GODFATHER OF METAL
The formative years of any genre (when the people that are forging it are oblivious to what they’re forging) have historically always been the most compelling. At the vanguard of the metal movement were English bands like Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and Iron Maiden who shattered the rules of Rock-n-Roll and, in the process, created an entirely new, exciting genre.
THE ASCENSION OF BUTTMETAL
The amount of makeup and spikes is inversely proportional to the amount of musical talent.
Ironically this new, exciting, and rebellious genre spawned a bunch of new rules governing what “Heavy Metal” was supposed to be. Thus, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
Enter Germans, Scandinavians, eastern Europeans, and Floridians... who soon proved that they could ruin music as effortlessly as they’ve ruined their respective continents at one time or another. Demons, wizards, circles, rings, dragons, kings, Vikings, duty, honor, bravery, evil, death, and war soon became the favored themes. Instrumental virtuosity, hyper-machismo, an affinity for concept albums, and a bizarre disregard for both female companionship and humor became hallmarks. Sadly, the chants of “show me your tits” died almost as suddenly as they had begun in the metal world.
Soon metal splintered into a thousand unoriginal, derivative, tired sub-genres, that adopted silly monikers like death metal, black metal, power metal, thrash metal, doom metal, hardcore, grindcore, ad nauseam. The Balkanization of metal had begun, with the various factions jockeying to out-macho each other. A de-facto civil war broke out, each group accusing the other of being “false metal.”
A BUTTMETAL DECIDER-MESSIAH
Black Metal band, not “Black Metal” band.
When writing and playing well is not an option.
The various factions divided and multiplied at a dizzying rate until the year 2000 when a man of great vision came forward to bring calm to the chaos. That man is me. The term “Buttmetal” was created by yours truly at the dawn of the new millennium. Since that time, I have become to buttmetal what Einstein was to relativity... and ARRMO has become the undisputed global authority on the topic. “Oh,” you say, “who died and made you music king?” Listen kid, stop your whining and deal with it. ARRMO is the Decider. Buttmetal is what we say it is and Buttmetallers are who we say they are.
BUTTMETAL DEFINED
What is buttmetal? Buttmetal is a great conceptual umbrella meant to bring order to the chaos. Think of it as a big trash dump that dispenses with the maddening task of having to separate paper, plastics, and glass.
If buttmetal were to be given a Latin name, it would undoubtedly be one that translated to “stuff that sucks.” ARRMO can examine a CD cover and predict with 97.8% accuracy whether the band is buttmetal. If your favorite band is metal, was formed after 1985, has an almost exclusively teenage male fanbase, and it sucks, (which it does, trust me), there’s a 99% chance it’s buttmetal. Here’s a formula that, while not foolproof, is very helpful.
if you have a goat, pentagram or can’t tell the name of your band from your logo, your album automatically sucks.
Scandinavia/Germany + Metal minus pre-Blackout Scorpions = Buttmetal
To fully understand the concept of buttmetal, you must understand the sacred twin pillars: Yngwie Malmsteen and Manowar. Yngwie is responsible for the wretched European virtuosity and classical leanings while Manowar introduced the embarrassing super-macho imagery and attitude. Think of them as the Hitler and Stalin of buttmetal.
BUTT VS. PROTO-BUTT
Above all, buttmetal is totally derivative and unoriginal. Proto-buttmetal bands are those bands that are ostensibly butt in almost every respect, but display some originality and innovation. They are the godfathers of butt. As such, they are not worthy of our usual level of scorn. Bands like Venom, Mercyful Fate/King Diamond, Candlemass, and Slayer are excellent examples of proto-butt.
THE QUEENSRźCHE RULE (are they butt?)
Do Muslims explode? Of course Queensr˙che is buttmetal. “But how,” you say, “their first album was released pre-1985???” Queensr˙che illustrates the old adage that there’s an exception to every rule. Queensr˙che is butt because 1) Geoff Tate wears leather shorts; 2) they have a penchant for concept albums; 3) they’re metal; and 4) they’re pretentious, humorless twats. The leather shorts alone would qualify them for buttmetal status if it wasn’t for the Axl Rose rule (a sizeable female fanbase + no concept albums in their catalog makes a band ineligible for buttmetal status even if the lead singer wears leather shorts).
10 for 10. AM I A BUTTMETALLER?
1) I think heavy metal is cool.
2) I own at least one black t-shirt dedicated to a metal band.
3) I do not regularly have sex with females.
4) I live with my parents.
5) I believe that being “brutal” is a desirable musical quality.
6) I have a tattoo inspired by a metal band.
7) “Death to false Metal!” is your life’s work.
8) I love guitar solos.
9) I never applied to college.
10) I believe that Axel Rudi Pell is more talented than Jimi Hendrix. These guys only dream about squeezing titties.
If you can answer “yes” to two or more questions, you’re a buttmetaller (which is the least of your problems, believe me).
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I know about as much about metal as dick cheney knows about never shooting a someone in the face, but as a huge music fan I can completely understand and sympathize with that article and find it hilarious. Though if that kind of behavior means you are a buttmetaller, then the entire following of "emo" is the whole damned septic tank.
Posts: 639 | Registered: Mar 2006
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I knew a guy a few years ago that unloaded a ton of his old CD's on me. He was moving or some such thing and wanted to jettison a lot of his extra baggage. He asked me if I wanted some free music, so being as I can't say no to free stuff I said sure. I think I only listened to three of the twenty or so CD's he gave me.
It was this kind of music...and try as I might I just couldn't get into it. Couldn't tell one song from the other...swore up and down that the singers gargled with cat litter to sound the way they do...and pretty much figured that it was just my problem in "not getting it". I wasn't aware of this being a full-blown genre of music in and of itself.
Cool thread! Funny and informative!
-------------------- Like Girls? LikeReal Barefoot Girls?! Then this place is for you! www.dennis-n-mara.com Your best source for some Real Deal Hardcore Barefoot Girls! Posts: 5427 | Registered: Jul 2003
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