posted
Hello everyone. Boy, it's been a SUPER long time since I've been on this board. Life's been busy.
Part of this being busy began in September of 2010. I met an awesome girl one night and we clicked like nobody's business. I pulled my "you'd look better barefoot" routine cuz she has incredibly nice feet and was wearing flip flops that night, which has lead to a pretty dang good foot-fetish friendly relationship. She is super kind and compassionate. She has a good heart. She loves animals and she wants to make movies as her life passion.
She dropped out of school to travel with me. We were both getting tired of the routine of being in the same small town, so we both quit our jobs, sold all of our material possessions, packed up everything we owned into backpacks and hitch-hiked through Oregon and California last summer. We were on top of the world and felt so free and full of life, sleeping on beaches, meeting new people, camping off the side of the freeway. This was last summer. We have since then settled down a little bit and were living in a tent community for a while and now we are living with some friends. We are about to move into a place we found on Craig's List for some people on a farm who need help in exchange for a room in their house.
Our relationship used to be awesome but now I feel like it's diminished into a somewhat depressing state. I have always been the kind of person to have a ton of friends and I am very social. She is more reserved but had friends back where we used to live. I have hung out with my friends, alone, without her, a grand total of ZERO times since last summer. We have to watch movies together. We wake up and go to bed at the same time. We hang out all day long together. If she wants to walk to the store, I have to go. She complains that she is so confused and frustrated. Daily. She has no friends nor is willing to make any new friends. She follows me into the kitchen if I go in there, for Pete's sake. She frequently complains about how she regrets taking the chance and LIVING while we traveled and now she focuses so much on missing her friends that she doesn't take the chance to meet new ones. She gets frustrated when I use the computer to do web design (one of my passions) and complains of being bored.
I can't even use the computer by myself without her looking over my shoulder. I had to forcibly tell her tonight after trying to calmly talk to her about it that I was using the computer and I wanted it private. This, of course, blew up into a "are you breaking up with me" talk.
Her negativity is really getting to me. She says she is a positive person, but the words that come out of her mouth suggest that her mindset is not very positive. She never needs or wants any alone time, and I am so desperate to have some freaking space that it's killing me. I have used meditation for years as a way to go inward and heal myself. She says she is interested, but never does it. And of course...every time I am meditating, there she is, sitting on the bed two feet from me, being bored and upset while I'm trying to feel light and love. It's really distracting. I think she would benefit from meditation but she just makes excuses and never makes time to try to quiet the thoughts that bother her.
I love her so much and so I try to suggest some things that I think would help. Like watching a movie she likes and she can't even do that by herself. I am with her EVERY WAKING MINUTE OF EVERY FREAKING DAY and any time that I ever try to have some personal space it just blows up into a huge argument. It's like she doesn't understand that people need friends and other people outside of their relationship. She tears up a lot and always expects things to go negative.
I need some advice, some help. I really care about this girl and the easy way out would be to just break it off, but how do I handle this? She would really like to write and direct her own movies but she never spends time writing or pursuing it. She is bugging me RIGHT NOW and telling me how "she deserves to be treated better" than I'm treating her right now. She just slammed the door and is crying. And the only thing I "did wrong" was say that I wanted some privacy on the internet. It's like this any time I try to do something independently.
I mean, this is ridiculous. How can I help her to focus on something more positive? Help her be creative and meet new friends and shift herself? I fell in love with a beautiful, light-filled person and I feel like now she is dimming the light I once had. It's really turning me into more of a negative person than I'd like to be. I used to have a lot of friends and appointments and hangout dates and parties and whatnot, and now it's like the only thing in my life is this relationship and it's really getting to me.
posted
Uhhhh nope. I have no useful advice for you. Good luck with that.
-------------------- "When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit" - Dr Emmit L. Brown (Back To The Future) Posts: 7894 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Maybe bring some friends into the picture and hang out as a group for a bit, then try those lines after awhile like "I'd like to go hang out with so and so you know and hang out with for a bit for a guy's BBQ or Poker Game night, mind if I go alone this time?" or something to that effect. She sounds really clingy, which too much of is a bad thing. Good Luck!
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Join thousands of our fans on Twitter @Norcalfeetdotco Posts: 18306 | Registered: Apr 2003
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bluetoelover
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posted
You have to be straight up with her. Sounds like she needs a little bit of brutal honesty. Tell her how bad it is affecting you and that you love her but EVERYBODY needs their own personal time.
Me and my wife went through this when we were still dating(not to your extreme though). Just the fact that we almost were withdrawn from both her and my friends and would just spend any spare time we had together, whether it be watching tv in the living room or our room we would be attached. It just came to the point where we would start an argument over the smallest thing.
We mutually agreed that alone time is needed. She would hang in the bedroom watching tv while I played xbox. Sounds so simple and minute I know but thats all that was needed. Plus the wife had to get some independence and not ask me to get every little thing for her even though she would be sitting right beside me!
I'm giving you these examples so you can see that it is worth sitting her down and talking it over for her. No need for an argument but if she really is not willing to change or give you some room then maybe a break is in order...or to just let her go for that matter. Either way man, good luck!
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posted
thank you guys for the advice. we talked things through and it seems to be better. this has happened before, though, where we'll have a big issue come up, talk about it and things will improve for a while, so we'll see.
thanks for your time. i know other peoples' drama isn't interesting but it's nice to have.
by the way, freakin sweet ass contributions this last go-around.
-------------------- [still water runs deep] Posts: 304 | Registered: May 2004
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posted
I think I remember you from a long time ago under a different screen name, but with the "187" in it. Former fraternity party guy now gone hippie commune living transcendentalist? At least that's what I'm reading.
On your topic though...
I never had anything quite as extreme with my wife over the 22 years we've been together though there were rough moments in the beginning. When we first got together and were living together I had just started a new position where I worked and went from doing a typical 40 hour work week to sometimes 60+. I was busting my ass for low pay to get us ahead, and of course I was accused of "loving my job more than her." Things smoothed out finally though. She did get upset with me back in those days too if I wanted to just hang out with my brother to just watch a movie and it didn't include her in the picture. She finally came to the realization on her own though that a little space is good for everybody.
Like your GF my wife doesn't have friends she hangs out with even though I have buddies that come over every week to hang out with every Sunday night. She's just not a social person at all and prefers reading a lot of books (check back at each and every picture post I've ever done with her since this forum opened in 2002 ) to going out. I'm the complete opposite and need other friends and family to interact with or I'd go completely nuts.
We have our own personal private time that we can spend without having to constantly check in on each other. If I go to my computer/music room I can close the door and play/work without 1000 questions. However, I do get yelled at though and the Marshall powered off if I jam a little too loud, but that's a different story.
posted
i think the only thing to do is kind of suck it up and do what you need to do. if you want to hang out with some friends, go do it. weather the storm of crying, whining, and bitching. dont feed it, just let it roll over you. make sure though that you also kind of reward her when he come back. be happy, share with her, include her. this is either going to make it or break it. if it breaks it, thats unfortunate but you can not live your life to someone elses standards. hopefully she'll see that some time apart is good and maybe it'll encourage her to do something that is her own.. like write or hang out with some friends of hers.
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) to going out. I'm the complete opposite and need other friends and family to interact with or I'd go completely nuts.
