ok, i've been talking to this girl for a couple of weeks and all and everything (i think) is going fine. we talk to each other alot, we leave each other loads of facebook and myspace messages, and i'm starting to fall in love with her. not to mention, she has really yummy feet (she already knows about my foot fetish). but i've been feeling that i'm starting to turn into a creep thinking about this girl so fucking much. she says it's cool, but i'm not sure. we aren't going out or anything, but i want to. BADLY!!! so, what i'm asking for is advice on how to close the deal on this relationship and feel good about this whole mess?
Posted by Pete-The-Feet-Lover (Member # 3260) on :
Simple, start "going out" with her. It's that simple. If she's being cool with you, then go for it before she dumps you in the "friend zone," where there is no escape... ever. Forever.
Posted by Outback69 (Member # 2217) on :
If she says it's cool then I see no reason why you shouldn't be asking her out! Unless she lives in another state or something but even still you can hook up on weekends right?
C'mon dude, get the cahones up and ask this girl out!
When things progress to the "first" foot experience part the next thing that I want to read from you is about how great it was!
Posted by Footman9 (Member # 1100) on :
Strike when the iron is hot.
Posted by F18Hornet (Member # 11172) on :
Botton line, just ask her out. Women like decisive, confident men as a general rule. Once she moves on, you will end up in the friend zone, as Pete said, and friendzone = end of chance mate.
I may be wrong, but it sounds to me like you are worried about whether your fetish will be your prime focus after you begin a relationship with her. Answer is, one thing at a time, pal. And anyway, a relationship is more than a fetish; a fetish is only one part of a multi-faceted and successful relationship.
Its good that she knows about your fetish. That she is still talking to you means that she accepts you for who you are. Its up to you to make the move, since in my experience most women expect to be asked out by the man whom they would like to become involved with - when you do ask her out, she will either (a) decline, either because she's not interested in a relationship or because you've asked the question in the wrong way, or (b) accept as she feels good about herself as a result of your question because in her mind, you are singling her out as special, demonstrating a desire to take an interest in her and get to know her better, that you want to share time with her and that you consider her good enough to spend your time with.
I'll lay odds that you get butterflies in your stomach every time you think of her, when you're with her, looking forward to meeting her. It's perfectly natural to think about her all the time, but I suspect that you are nervous about whether she wants a relationship with you in the same way you want one with her. Bottom line, you can either probe aroun the edges, which ultimately will lead you to being even more unsure than you are now; the net result is you never get around to asking her out, or find the courage to ask her. She probably knows that it takes balls for a man to ask a woman out. More importantly, she has the option to decline, and she will probably be alive to the fact that you are willing to accept the negative answer.
Bottom line, ask her out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
There's only one answer mate. Get it done. For a drink after work, a meal at a restaurant, a coffee during a work break, anything. Just make sure it's not contrived, but at the same time, make it look and feel as natural as possible. But when you do ask her, ask her the question open-endedly, by that I mean, "would you like to go for a coffee sometime?" rather than "would you like to go for a coffee on Tuesday night?" The latter leaves her with the sole response of either "Yes" or "No", whereas the former makes her think about her plans and give you a more detailed answer.
Hope this helps mate. We've all been in your position in the past. Here's wishing you luck.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
if you think you're obsessing now.. wait until you're in the friend zone for not acting.
nothing wrong with just being friends.. but if you want more.. you've got to speak up.
i had a friend who i really enjoyed being around. i don't want to date her, but i do want to talk more about her feet and take pics. my fiance is cool with that as long as i don't get all 'hooked in' and get attached. i wanted to photograph her feet. it was starting to bug me.
so one day.. i told her flat out.. i like to photograph feet.. yours are hot.. and i feel comfy enough with you to ask you to model for me and let me post on my forum. she was so cool about it. now that it's done.. i don't think much about it. i've photographed her a few times. we're cool. friendship is intact.
had i not acted.. i'd be worried about it.. and that would transpire to more stress for me.. cause my lady would now want to know why i was all 'itchy' about this friendship.
go for it buddy.. you'll spare yourself tons of questions and headache.. plus.. you may get her to be your gal!!!! and you'll have more than just messages to work with!!!!
RPM
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, me and her talked at lunch and she said she would rather have me as a friend. i don't know, another disaster i guess?
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
not a disaster but yet a learning experience.Try moving quicker...not so quick that it will freak the girls out and be pushing you into the hated friend zone because you moved to quick but its a fine line. Women are the most confusing things in this world by the way in case you havent noticed! You will learn in time how to handle them though...just takes practice. Each one is different though....some like a guy who takes charge of the situation others like that sensitive type....once you figure out what type you are then you can try and get a girl..no offense man...but for your next girl...just throw caution to the wind and go for it...see what happens...land her and then worry about telling her about the "foot thing"! good luck man!
Posted by Outback69 (Member # 2217) on :
No way man!
How long have you two known each other? Maybe she just wants to find out more about you first?
If not, move on, date one of her friends and see what happens then... Hehe... The quickest way to have a woman change her mind is to hear about what a great guy you are from one of her friends!
Why do I already know you're a great guy?
You like feet! Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
lol, thanks. but we have known each other since the start of the year, but didn't start talking til late september. and just about all of her friends are in relationships or just not interested in them.
Posted by ozkar (Member # 13264) on :
Does she initiate conversation with you randomly? Does she stop by to talk when she's bored? Does she call you to talk or to invite you places? Does she recommend things you can do together?
Until they start doing some of these things you don't know if you're clear. She can be as nice to you as anyone you've ever met, but if she's only being nice when you initiate the contact scenerio, then it doesn't have to mean anything as all. These are all ways girls say "here I am, I'm interested" A girl who is interested will put herself in a very easy position for you to ask her out. She'll get there, and wait for a short time, if you don't respond she moves on.
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
nope, i've never had a girl do things like that for me or with me. i've always had to do all those things. maybe i should just give up, considering that i'm not doin a good job at this dating thing.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
before you throw in the towel.. one more thing to consider.... it can be a numbers game in feel.. so don't give up.
my 2 cents.. sometimes.. you get pushed into the nice guy good friend area and get stuck there. i've been there before..
best way i've heard to get out of it.. and i've tried it.. it works.. make yourself a little rare.. get her to miss how nice you really are. and if she's interested.. she's going to get curious as to why you've backed up a bit.. but not too far now.
then.. at that moment.. instead of getting deep into explanations (which can rush you back into the nice guy friend area).. move it towards a date.. like say.. i wanna talk more about that over dinner thursday.. is 5 or 7 good for you? then over dinner... just chill.. have a great time.. don't explain why you've backed up a bit.. other than... life can throw a few busy bones at you.. move on to more chillin'.
then.. back up a little.. again.. repeat with a second date.. after that.. be your cool usual self and move for a third date.. at some point.. just say.. hey..we've been going out a while and i love it.. i want to verbalize how much I like that (don't use my words exactly.. don't want to sound like a nerd or anything)).. and i want to continue seeing you and enjoy our relationship.
be confident.. be cool about that. if she goes with the flow.. you're now moving in a relationship and you've got to keep it moving. if she objects and says she didn't see it coming and much rather be friends and dont' want things to get weird.. you know she just wants to be friend.. to which you say... in a humorous way.. then future dates need to be dutch instead. (or some other bit of humor)..
then slowly back down from the heavy closeness so you can recover emotionally (an hour to a few days).. when you've moved on.. go for the next gal.. but try not to completely loose your friendship either. she may hook you up with a hot date.. (if you're into that sort of thing)
RPM
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: not a disaster but yet a learning experience.Try moving quicker...not so quick that it will freak the girls out and be pushing you into the hated friend zone because you moved to quick but its a fine line. Women are the most confusing things in this world by the way in case you havent noticed! You will learn in time how to handle them though...just takes practice. Each one is different though....some like a guy who takes charge of the situation others like that sensitive type....once you figure out what type you are then you can try and get a girl..no offense man...but for your next girl...just throw caution to the wind and go for it...see what happens...land her and then worry about telling her about the "foot thing"! good luck man!
well, she broke up with er ex about 4-5 weeks ago. so i moved fairly quick.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
don't write her off.. you never know.. later on... she may go for it... heck.. when I met my fiance.. i was seriously anti-women due to a bad breakup.. but once i calmed.. well... i'm looking forward to walking down the aisle.
ok.. not the same thing.. but you get my drift.
RPM
Posted by scarlet (Member # 2117) on :
Dates are tacky. She already knows who you are since you are close friends. Go for walks, do fun things like that and judge her interest before making a move on her. Girls appreciate fun time together more so than 'lets sit down and have dinner so its more official!'
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
quote:Originally posted by RPM: before you throw in the towel.. one more thing to consider.... it can be a numbers game in feel.. so don't give up.
my 2 cents.. sometimes.. you get pushed into the nice guy good friend area and get stuck there. i've been there before..
best way i've heard to get out of it.. and i've tried it.. it works.. make yourself a little rare.. get her to miss how nice you really are. and if she's interested.. she's going to get curious as to why you've backed up a bit.. but not too far now.
then.. at that moment.. instead of getting deep into explanations (which can rush you back into the nice guy friend area).. move it towards a date.. like say.. i wanna talk more about that over dinner thursday.. is 5 or 7 good for you? then over dinner... just chill.. have a great time.. don't explain why you've backed up a bit.. other than... life can throw a few busy bones at you.. move on to more chillin'.
then.. back up a little.. again.. repeat with a second date.. after that.. be your cool usual self and move for a third date.. at some point.. just say.. hey..we've been going out a while and i love it.. i want to verbalize how much I like that (don't use my words exactly.. don't want to sound like a nerd or anything)).. and i want to continue seeing you and enjoy our relationship.
be confident.. be cool about that. if she goes with the flow.. you're now moving in a relationship and you've got to keep it moving. if she objects and says she didn't see it coming and much rather be friends and dont' want things to get weird.. you know she just wants to be friend.. to which you say... in a humorous way.. then future dates need to be dutch instead. (or some other bit of humor)..
then slowly back down from the heavy closeness so you can recover emotionally (an hour to a few days).. when you've moved on.. go for the next gal.. but try not to completely loose your friendship either. she may hook you up with a hot date.. (if you're into that sort of thing)
RPM
there's a reason why i don't really take most of the advice i've been given on this board. because i don't understand how to do what is explained in it. especially this, because i've gotten desperate to the point now where i can't really control my emotions or anything if i even end up in a situation like that.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
here is one that is simple.. don't sweat it and go with the flow. no.. don't take that one either.. i happen to hate it.. but it's true.. though.
RPM
p.s. hey.. i tried. am i'm ok with the fact it doesn't make sense.. some of my comments tend to be over the top Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
it's ok
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
no offense black but if you dont take our advice seriously or even attempt it why bother posting? Just use the KISS method...Keep It Simple Stupid...dont make it harder than it already is...therefore essentially going with the flow!
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
i wouldn't post here if i wasn't looking for advice, but it seems harder then it looks. going with the flow has never really worked for me, so i end up making things harder then they should be.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
blackHx,
I am with a very strong minded independent strong willed woman!!!! going with the flow is one of the toughest things for me to do.. because i like to feel some level of control.
life is determinded to teach me to go with the flow. days when i do.. man.. it's so sweet (yet weird).
don't be so hard on yourself (this coming from an expert at being super hard on himself)
anyway.. what i'm saying is this.. you're giving it your best. that is all you can do. you're here trying things out and trying them in the real world. for that.. I applaud you!!!! that is more than most are willing to do.
So. you're ahead of the game.. don't quit yet.. you're not 97 and a half years old with 15 minutes to live.
RPM
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, bad news.
i was on AIM a couple of hours ago with one of my friends and i asked her if she thought i was a creep(there's a long story i don't wanna get into at the moment)and she said that i had my moments. After a while she told me that because of the fact that i've stopped caring if my fetish became public or not (it's always happened to me that no matter how hard i try to leave it a secret of mine, it always comes out) i've gotten a nickname around the girls dorm "no footfetish chris" the situation has gotten from bad to worse.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
ouch.... that is outside my scope of understanding. dunno what to say.. other than ride the storm out.
RPM
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
whenever someone says something to you about it the worst thing you could do would be to let them know that it bothers you.And who knows,it could be a blessing in disguise for you...now all of the girls in the dorm know about your love for feet so your hardest part is done for you...this is the time to just go with the flow!
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, this was all part of a conversation i was having with her about some things that were worrying me considering myself. so i thought i'd get some feedback from a friend. what i got was some rather soul-crushing feedback.
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
thats rotten man...well give yourself a couple of days recovery time..then get back out there man! Like I said, all of the girls know about your foot thing so your "dirty work" is done! There is going to be at least one girl that wants to experience the foot thing! Good Luck keep us updated
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
"going with the flow" AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! this maybe the hardest piece of advice i've ever been given. i can never wrap my brain around how i should do that.
Posted by ozkar (Member # 13264) on :
hey blackckhxc88,
here's some things to ponder:
Sometimes you've got to just tell yourself "fuck these people, they aren't worth my time" It sounds harsh but after saying it to yourself for a while you'll actually begin to believe it just enough to make life comfortable again. Then you can move on.
If a bunch of people are making fun of you or not giving you a chance, fuck them, they've obviously insane because you are the man. Don't interact with them any more or at least for a while. Don't consider it over-confidence or ego, you are just compensating for feeling down at the moment. Once you take a step back things won't seem like they matter that much regarding those people.
... not to mention, there's a reason why when you're 60 you'll be able to count your friends on one hand, most people aren't going to work out, so cut and move on to the next people.
Next time you get involved with some people remember to keep your guard up a little bit more. People like a little bit of mystery much more than a dude who is way to personal or open way too fast. Make them earn/want your attention a little more, don't just make it available. If you make them do a little work you will filter out all the people who aren't really serious about wanting to know you.
Some more tips/ideas:
When inviting people to do things ask them once and if they have some kind of excuse tell them if they change their mind where you'll be and then blow. Don't try to convince anyone and don't wait up for them.
Everyone's always saying be open and be yourself, but everything's got bounds. If you are too open or too yourself people feel like you expect them to be equally open or unguarded. They'll feel like you are waiting to invade them and generally be turned off. If someone wants to get inside you, you'll know it, because they'll be working to crack you open.
Don't make yourself old. Hang out with some people, be charming, then hang out with some other people. Trying to become part of some group or person's routine is the best way to ensure you won't. Let them miss you a little bit before you grace them with your awesomeness again.
Be confident. Even if it's complete bullshit confidence that isn't real and it's overblown and just denial, keep it up. I think people call it making positive self-statements. You are the man, if someone doesn't think so, they are insane. In the wrong head, thoughts like these could turn a person into a huge asshole, but you aren't that head, as indicated by the stories you tell. Trust that you won't ever become an ass and go with it.
NEVER ever ever ask people what they think about you. That's their business and it'll make you look super-insecure.
Sometimes you need to first look stong before being strong, look confident before feeling confident, look laid back before being laid back. People have a really fickle line between their mental world and their physical one. If you externally project a certain personality trait, and the world starts interacting with that trait and giving you positive feedback, your mental world will adjust to the new, obviously good idea.
Keep at it, Oz
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
Oz, well said!
Posted by blackHxC88 (Member # 15094) on :
well, the only factor working against that is my constant desperation for people to get to know me. when you go by most of your life without many friends, you tend to get desperate for anyones attention.
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
now we've got something to work with.. pacing yourself can 'hasten' the process of folks getting to know you. that i know from personal experience.
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