posted
hi there, this may sound a bit self centred so i apologise in advance.
basically i just got dumped by my girlfriend of about a year and a half. we were great and really connected! but things took a turn for the worse over the last few months when we both started university and i moved to the same city as her.
i became too serious and heavy in the relationship which cause arguements and for her to self destrcut, i said and did some silly things, and she doesnt beleive i can change.
now that i have actually lost her i am now realising the mistakes i made which i could not see before, but of course its too late! the beauty of hindsight.
im trying to keep positive about the whole thing but deep down im hurting and cannot help my strong feelings for her.
i know she still loves me too, she told me that, but doesnt want to be with me at the mo. were both having a break from each other over the xmas period.
i really dont know what to do? to fight to show her just how much i love her through being kind and telling her how sorry i am? (this seems desperate) or to ignore her and let her miss me? or to be nice to her and keep things light and keep my distance? i dont want to fall into the trap of lets just be friends.
i want another chance to win her back, i may not be allowed that and may need to move on. but untill im ready to give up, i dont know what to do?
any adive will be HUGELY appreciated. thank you
Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Make a single and sincere apology, let her know that you are willing to give it another shot. If she needs time, just gonna have to give her time.
If you love something, let it go... etc.
-------------------- ~Eyes all around you~ ~Enter the labyrinth~ ~Visions of the hunted~ ~Beware the birchmen~ Posts: 584 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
i dont think that she is ready to accept my apology. i'll wait a little longer. we've just started on speaking terms again. its been a week since we broke up and there is a lot of high emotions flying around.
she broke it off with me, so i have to be incredibly carefull about not coming accross as needy or desperate to get back with her
Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
From a dude that was once in your spot and has had ex's come back listen up.
1) Figure out all of your insecurities that she was exposed to and fix them. I.E. if you're over weight....lose the weight. Jobless, get a job. Car less, get one. Lack of friends, make cool new ones.
2) Have fun! I reiterate making new friends and picking up new hobbies. Get in tunne with yourself.
3) Don't apologize for being what you are/were!!! What the hell. You shouldn't feel sorry. Apologizing will get you no where
4) Don't be mean if you do see her. Be nice and fun. Show her that you're fine without her...even if you cry yourself to sleep every night. She doesn't need to know!
5) Meet other women. Date them. Experiment different stuff. Hook up. Enjoy their company.
6) Get buff
7) Not sure if you're in college....but i'm the advisor for my old fraternity. Join one!! At least check out rush. Or join another club that will get you meeting people.
8) Don't contact your ex. Look at it like a battle of minds. Who can hold out longest. When you're confident again and upbeat and can handle the thought of her with another guy....you can hit her up then just to chill. Odds are if you aren't threatened by her new guys...she'll be intrigued. And try to seduce you. Especially if you've got your own set of women too!
As soon as you start to have fun again and forget the ex.....she will come around. Sadly for her at this point you'll have a bunch if great girls around with no time to waste on her! Either that or she gets married. One or the other. Oh....sorry to break it to you....but women tend to have another guy in the wings when they break up with a guy. Thats why it's so easy for them to break things off clean. I can't stress enough to you how important it is to get on with your life. Working out helps tons.
I've been broken up with once. And this is what I did. Recently she asked if i'd be up to have her move cross country to be with me. I said no. Not up to my standards. Every girl since then i've broken up with first. Chics will give you hints that the relationship is over: I'm too busy, i'm stressed, i'm confused ect. You break it off before they find that new guy and they don't know what hit them. You leave with your dignity...even though it'll hurt like hell. And the prospect of the two of you getting back together is still there....ironically even though she was about to break it off with you. You also send a great message saying that "crappy behavior won't be tolerated".
Happy hunting dude............
GQguy
Oh...one more thing. This will not happen overnight. It takes months to years. Depending on how soon you step up your game/confidence. In the mean time make out with and get pretty women to fall in love with you.
-------------------- If she won't indulge your fetish, I bet you that cuter, smarter girl across the bar will. Lets go find out. Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2006
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That all makes totall sense. All the advice I see online & when I talk to people everybody tells me I need to be happy which I agree with, & they all say get over her. But this is the part I struggle with, if I get over her & get with someone else then I kinda think there wouldn't be much point in getting back with her!
Secondly I've already made big big mistakes. Number 1: getting angry, this is where I went totally wrong! and so I feel the need to give her an apology. I also begged, cried & tried to reason with her, & I know that this is why I lost my chances.
I bumped into her this weekend & made a huge effort to show her I'm chilled & ok! We got on great, she smiled at me.
She's now making an effort to show that she's ok! Putting confident pics on facebook, talking to a guy I got jealous about earlier in the relationship.
Now I think if she was really over me should wouldn't do that or try to make me jealous, I know she's hurt.
So what happened is i ignored all of it, everything she knew would upsett me & she text me last night asking for my mums address to send an Xmas card, so I was polite & light hearted.
Then this morning I sent her an email saying I'm seeing things clearer now & I agree with the break up. I just wanted to send a sincere apology & wish her the best for her future.
And now I'm just preying she'll miss me over Xmas & get in contact to say let's give it another shot! I know she still loves me, even if she doesn't want to.
I lost my temper when she broke up with me, she broke up with me wen I was drunk, there was no excuse for me to loose my temper. But how on earth do I show her I can change? I guess by just doing it hey
Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Exactly!! There is no point getting back with her. But you'll figure that out on your own.
The hard truth(only read if you dare) Don't take her smiling at you to mean anything. Women are very good at smiling.
She's not hurt. I can guarantee that. Otherwise she wouldn't have broken up with you.
She not putting on an effort to show she's ok. She's actually....ok!
What would the point of making you jealous be? She broke up with you bro. She already knows you want her. It'd be pointless to make you jealous.
That dude most likely is her fall back. Chics don't break up with guys without a fall back. Unless of course he did something terrible that warranted an immediate break up e.g. cheating. Even then most would stay with the guy till they found a fall back guy or interest. Chics draw out a breakup. Don't call as much/always busy. Then she starts saying i'm confused/you've changed/i'm stressed/ I need time ect. Then if the guy doesn't get a clue she'll break it off.
I would love to hear about the cool new things you're doing. You see.....she's going to remain the same. She's not going to get better. You can! She's not going to learn how to cook, improve her style, go back to school, lose weight, make new friends ect. You can!
I'm 100x better than I was with the last chic I was in love with. I would dare even say i'm out of her league now....along with all of my ex's. That's where you need to be.
GQguy
-------------------- If she won't indulge your fetish, I bet you that cuter, smarter girl across the bar will. Lets go find out. Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Hey guys. I guess we're picking up where we left off in the other thread? I remember talking about something similar I've been through recently.
But now I'm in a kind of a more unique dilemma. I'm more missing the friendship we had before we got serious.
But it's got me wondering, was she extra nice to me during our friendship because she wanted something more? Now I'm feeling kinda sad thinking that I can't have a friendship like that with a girl without it being because she secretly wants something.
Posts: 962 | Registered: Jun 2007
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quote:Originally posted by DeadGoon: Hey guys. I guess we're picking up where we left off in the other thread? I remember talking about something similar I've been through recently.
But now I'm in a kind of a more unique dilemma. I'm more missing the friendship we had before we got serious.
But it's got me wondering, was she extra nice to me during our friendship because she wanted something more? Now I'm feeling kinda sad thinking that I can't have a friendship like that with a girl without it being because she secretly wants something.
I don't know your situation, but let me take a stab at it.
When it comes to relationships, there is a net amount of effort. Lets say 100%. To keep a relationship going the sum of the effort that two people put into it has to be 100%. So if one person puts in 40% and the other person puts in 40% then the two people lose touch...and stop talking/hanging out ect. When one person puts in 40% the other will usually put in 60%. The less one person puts in..the more the other person puts in to keep things going. Sooooo back to you.
If you put in 30% early in your friendship then she put in 70% because she liked you. Women secretly prefer the equation to be like this. Wimpy nice guys prefer it this way too. But i'm going to guess that at some point this equilibrium shifted....to the point where you were putting in more than she? Like I said earlier...women don't like this. Hence why nice guys lose their women to jerks, bad boys and real men. While women hate the equilibrium to be in thier favor...they will tempt a guy the entire time to try and put it in their favor...even though if they succeed they will resent you for it!
The crazy part is this. If one really care about their woman...they will keep their effort lower than hers. (GQguy has gon off the deep end!) Ok. This is why. The person that puts in the most gets the most emotion out of the relationship. They get the super highs and the lows. They truly are in love! Guys steal this from women when they put in too much. Thats why women leave them...to go find a guy that will let them feel this emotion. A guy that lets them be women and do all the cool things she's been thinking about doing for her man since she was a little girl and we were eating mud and worms.
How do I know...because i've been that guy. Super nice. Aloof at first. And she loves me! Then I start taking care of her(GQguy knows how to take care of a woman) and all of a sudden she's lost that lovin feeling. I of course had it at the end.....why. Cuz I stole it from her by putting in 70% to her 30%. I'm in rehab now learning the error of my ways.
GQ
-------------------- If she won't indulge your fetish, I bet you that cuter, smarter girl across the bar will. Lets go find out. Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2006
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If you put in 30% early in your friendship then she put in 70% because she liked you. Women secretly prefer the equation to be like this. Wimpy nice guys prefer it this way too. But i'm going to guess that at some point this equilibrium shifted....to the point where you were putting in more than she?
Weeeeell. The friendship never lasted long. We ended up sleeping together pretty quickly, but I never thought I'd fall for her at all. I started to after about 6 weeks but by that time SHE was less interested
The whole thing just makes me wish we just stayed friends in the first place. Cuz she was a cool chick and was good to talk to. It all just feels different now...
Posts: 962 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
Ah ha! My theory in action. It's natural to be really into a chic. Your feelings could be 70% and hers 70%....but she must percieve it as 30% you and 70% her! However at the point where you fell for her i'm guessing you: told her how you felt, stop doing single guy stuff, catered to her, called daily ect. So to her there was a shift. As you put in more..she puts in less. Till you're at 60% and she's at 40%. At this point it is TOUGH to recover. The more you put in the less interested she becomes. Thats why it's important to be ambiguous about how you feel. Women love a challenge. And after your interest level peaked up....you were no longer a challenge. She likes you...but she wants a guy to challenge her...hence why the relationship ended.
To get your girl back..... It is not easy..... But she must realize deep deep down that she can't have you in the way she had you before. She must realize that other women...some better than her have had and want you. She must feel that you are happier without her. She must feel that you have grown into a real man that she has to work ultra hard to get. And ohh when she finally get you it will be heaven on earth for her( every woman wants this....along with every nerdy nice guy). Of course there is self doubt which makes the emotions for her even more powerfull. You pay enough attention to her of course to give her a glimer of hope. Then when you have her...you keep her on her toes.
Could take months..... Could take years......
GQguy
-------------------- If she won't indulge your fetish, I bet you that cuter, smarter girl across the bar will. Lets go find out. Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
simply put...move on it can never be the same as it was. Sorry to be pessimistic about it; My experiences taught me that.
Posts: 1555 | Registered: Mar 2007
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