Tonight was supposed to have been one of the best nights of my adult life. Instead, it turned out to be one of the most ghastly and horrible.
I had arranged to have dinner with one of the most charming and beautiful women I've ever met - and she just happens to have some of the most beautiful feet I've ever seen.
I was overmatched and I knew it, so thankful to have convinced this enchantress to join me for dinner (and possibly feet). I'd been anticipating this dinner for several days and was elated at the prospect of what this night might hold. I felt like the luckiest man in the city.
To prepare, I donned one of my premium shirts, crisp, sharp, with french cuffs and hard collar. Necktie of camel silk and excellent quality. I wore my best timepiece and favorite cufflinks. A cashmere-blend, sharkskin suit of royal blue and of the finest fabric, with cuban-style lapels.
I picked her up (her name is Karen) then drove to a signature steakhouse restaurant for a fine meal and the hope of making a distinct impression. On the way there I did begin to feel a little bit nauseous, queezy in the stomach.
We arrived at the restaurant and after placing our orders, I went out to my car & drank some Pepto Bismal which I keep in my trunk for emergencies - then back inside to join Karen, my meal companion and (hopeful) foot-friend.
WARNING: what follows next is not suitable for mixed company. If you are faint of heart (or if you have a sense of value), please skip the next few paragraphs.
After placing our orders, my queeziness began to worsen and my stomach tied in knots. Evidently, the Pepto Bismal hadn't worked. I suddenly felt a powerful urge to relieve myself FAST. Excusing myself, I dashed for the restroom, fled to an open stall and ripped wildly to get my pants down in time - inadvertantly tearing the clasp and breaking the zipper.
Before I could do anything else, there erupted a diarhetic splat attack that was ghastly and sickening. Horrified, I looked behind me to realize that I hadn't gotten my pants completely down, quite soon enough. What was even worse, is that the tail of my quality dress shirt had caught most of it and directed it straight down INTO my pants (and all over me)!
Shocked, sickened and horrified, I yanked wildely to get out of my shirt and pants, making even more of a sickening mess as I did so. Realizing then that there was no real escape from this predicament. What would I do? Go back out to the table, covered in excrement?
So I did the only thing possible. I fled! Ran out and straight to my car, only to THEN realize my car keys were in the suit jacket, which had been checked at the door!
Noticing a crowd of people staring at me now (in my underwear, T-shirt and quality, Cordovan Wing Tips) as I clutched and yanked wildly at my car's door handles, I heard one of them shout from the crowd "There he is, that's him!". Of course, I then feared one of them would call the police. So I RAN!
First down one street, then through a residential area from one yard to the next. Jumping a few fences here and there while trying to avoid the yards with dogs. Still unable to escape the ghastly stench of what was now beginning to dry and cake all over my legs (and elsewhere).
At one point, a sympathetic youth offered to hose me down in his back yard and he did this from a great distance. It was a huge relief for me but I still had to get home without being picked up by the police. I had no wallet, no keys, no cell phone and was dressed only in my (soaking wet) shorts, T-shirt and Cordovan Wing Tips.
After about an hour of my cross-town trek, running down a paved alley, a motorist rolled down his window and asked if I was alright, lost, etc. He probably thought I'd escaped from a mental instution (or Jeffery Dahmer's apartment) and was running for cover, who knows?
This fine citizen actually listened to my story and believed it! He even offered to give me a ride to a friend's house and thank HEAVENS for this fine citizen.
At my friend's house, I showered and shampooed, then threw on a blue t-shirt with pocket and a pair of sweat pants. WHAT A RELIEF to feel human again. We SPED back to the restaurant but (of course), Karen was long gone.
They told me she had gotten VERY upset at my having run off, leaving her there. Not just that, but sticking her with the bill on top of everything. They were not particularly pleased with me as well and did have a few harsh words of their own.
Now I'm thinking it would be useless to even try to explain this to her. Who in their right mind would ever BELIEVE something like this? It's probably a moot point because she'll never answer another phone call from me anyway.
So that's how I spent my Tuesday evening, and it is FINALLY over with.
[ August 10, 2005, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: Ben Del Amitri ]
Posted by Hal (Member # 3484) on :
OMG, Ben, I´ve just laughed tears reading your story.
I know it must have been HORROR for you! But it was written so well, I just burst out laughing --- imagining how you`re scrambling off into the night in your shorts, while this lovely lady sits at the table eating her steak & waiting for you. It sounds like a scene from an old Clouseau movie, or from There`s Something About Mary.
You know what I would do: I`d show her this thread, I´m sure she`d understand when she reads it. Maybe she`d even think it`s funny. And if not: In five years time you`ll be laughing about this as well
-Hal-
[ August 10, 2005, 06:05 AM: Message edited by: Hal ]
Posted by Gimme (Member # 6872) on :
A really embarassing story I might say Mr Ben. When I was in high school it happened to me as well... and I ended up back at the class with no underwear and inside T-shirt, because I ve used them as sanitary material because I found out later that there wasnt any. I m sure after some time you ll be laughing on this story as much as I do remembering the abovementioned story it happened to me years ago.
Now, what you can do .. is to call her ... and explain her the situation honestly. You could get a print out of this Thread and show it to her .. and on second thoughts you could communicate with me (with means other than electronic or hitech material) so I that I could explain the situation to her.
Gimme.
Posted by 2spy (Member # 1528) on :
Oh Ben' I feel for you buddy. I had a Incident at a restaurant like that except I was throwing up. So embarassing that to this day I have a fear of restaurants, and always scope out the place and get close to the restroom.
You are a lucky man in that you got help, are you would be on the news. Man Running around city half naked, and shit all over him. "Stay tuned"
Posted by rhbdz17 (Member # 2492) on :
I'd suggest giving her money for the bill, apologizing, and then say that you felt really ill. I'd skip the details. At worst, you save face. At best, she will appreciate your efforts and give you another chance.
Posted by IAmSpartachris (Member # 3289) on :
Oh Ben. You cannot imagine the pain with which I read your plight. And yet your ability to so eloquently turn a phrase has helped you to produce what may be the funniest thing I have read in ages. The humor comes from knowing all too well how horrifying an experience that must have been. I think all of us have had to cope with a gastro-intestinal disaster at least once in our lives, and most can also relate to the date that went miserably, but add the desperate, pantsless dash to the car that turns into a pantsless dash from tree to tree as you try to make your way home, only to finally be hosed off by a neighborhood kid.....what can I say? Brilliant. A bit of a different situation, but remind me to tell you one day about being chased down the street by an angry father in nothing but a pair of leopard print bikini briefs and knee-high black engineer boots. Oh, and did I mention it was during a snow storm?
Peace and intestinal fortitude.
Posted by 2spy (Member # 1528) on :
quote:Originally posted by IAmSpartachris: Oh Ben. You cannot imagine the pain with which I read your plight. And yet your ability to so eloquently turn a phrase has helped you to produce what may be the funniest thing I have read in ages. The humor comes from knowing all too well how horrifying an experience that must have been. I think all of us have had to cope with a gastro-intestinal disaster at least once in our lives, and most can also relate to the date that went miserably, but add the desperate, pantsless dash to the car that turns into a pantsless dash from tree to tree as you try to make your way home, only to finally be hosed off by a neighborhood kid.....what can I say? Brilliant. A bit of a different situation, but remind me to tell you one day about being chased down the street by an angry father in nothing but a pair of leopard print bikini briefs and knee-high black engineer boots. Oh, and did I mention it was during a snow storm?
Peace and intestinal fortitude.
I just have to here this--- Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Somebody from the restaurant called tonight and made it clear, I shan't be returning. I was told in clear language that I am not a welcome guest there and was asked in the strongest of terms not to "challenge them on this". They got my number from the reservation info. Clever people.
Posted by Adam X (Member # 2872) on :
I'm sooooo sorry for this but......damn that has to be one of the funniest things ever typed.
Posted by Wrinklesguy (Member # 732) on :
Ben, i feel sorry for you brother,that really sucks.It does sound funny, but when we are in the situation ourselves with crap on our jeans,it isn't so funny.Too bad you couldn't have talked more with the girl.I remember once plugging up an ex's toilet so bad i had to yank the shitty TP out of the pot and throw it out the window of the bathroom.It was the "Dumb and Dumber" scene in real life.Thank God she had left to go to the store for 30 minutes,and THANK GOD for Lysol
Posted by Gimme (Member # 6872) on :
quote:Originally posted by Wrinklesguy: Ben, i feel sorry for you brother,that really sucks.It does sound funny, but when we are in the situation ourselves with crap on our jeans,it isn't so funny.Too bad you couldn't have talked more with the girl.I remember once plugging up an ex's toilet so bad i had to yank the shitty TP out of the pot and throw it out the window of the bathroom.It was the "Dumb and Dumber" scene in real life.Thank God she had left to go to the store for 30 minutes,and THANK GOD for Lysol
The "Dumb and dumber" scene was so funny when I first saw it that I cried my eyes from laughter non-stop like hysterical. I havent seen such a funnier (shittier) scene ever Posted by rockbass (Member # 6012) on :
quote:Originally posted by rhbdz17: I'd suggest giving her money for the bill, apologizing, and then say that you felt really ill. I'd skip the details. At worst, you save face. At best, she will appreciate your efforts and give you another chance.
Well Ben that does sound like it made for a really bad night. Sorry to hear it happened to you, but we've all been there in embarassing situations so don't worry about it. I'd have to agree with rhbdz17 on this one. Though it may be tough I'd give her a call and explain to her what happened (Maybe not in all the details, but tell her you were ill). I'd also say to pick up the bill and possibly her taxi fare if she had to take one to get back home. I think if she's understanding and a nice person than she'll forgive you and hopefully give you a second chance. Like I said we've all been there and I'm sure she has been too.
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Two days later and I haven't tried to call Karen yet. Not sure if this is salvageable at all, maybe it's best to just write it off and chalk this up as a lesson learned.
Posted by ghost (Member # 1664) on :
doesnt it suck that shit like that only happens when your out. never when your at home and can take care of the problem easily. sorry to hear that ben and wish u luck on the rest of your dinner expereinces. i guess this one just wasnt mean to be
Posted by Footjob Witch (Member # 8351) on :
hi ben
in your post you say you picked her up.im assuming this means you know where her mail is placed everyday?
i would write a letter and pay her back for what she might have had to pay for.make it short and simple,a true apology and an effort to make things right again only,nothing more,nothing insinuated.let it lie as just that for a while and allow things to cool off for a month or so...thats what the weather will be doing in the meantime as well.go with nature.
give her a call later.
Posted by DJ (Member # 1698) on :
quote:Originally posted by 2spy: Oh Ben' I feel for you buddy. I had a Incident at a restaurant like that except I was throwing up. So embarassing that to this day I have a fear of restaurants, and always scope out the place and get close to the restroom.
You are a lucky man in that you got help, are you would be on the news. Man Running around city half naked, and shit all over him. "Stay tuned"
Rob, , I swear the same thing happened to me and I still will not go to a restaurant unless it is somewhere I am comfortable enough to frequent, it is totally empty, or I am drunk!
I was on a first date with a really hot girl in 1985 and was so sick, I had to pay the bill in the bathroom. I never got to eat with her, had to take her straight home, and never saw her again!
Ben, I feel for you! However, trust me, something like this happens to everyone at some time in their life.
As funny as this is (and it really is), I think we can all understand the situation!!!!
Posted by Lyrical (Member # 6603) on :
Good advice Mona, I think that a woman's view on this is needed. ben, I feel so hoorible about this incident for you. But the way you retell the story, is almost hard not to laugh at it because it was something that you would see in a movie of some type. But it is too wild not to be believable. I don't think anyone would be able to make up that story.
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
I decided to give Karen a call today and see about patching things up - and try to explain the turn of events which lead to her being abandoned in a public restaurant, stiffed for the bill and having to pay for a taxi home; so I dialed the number - after the third ring, I hung up. Sometimes it's better to just let sleeping dogs lie.
Posted by nylonfootsniffer (Member # 3488) on :
Thats why I alsways have a cell phone with me. Then I could have called from my cara nd had someone inform my date that I had an emergency and had to stop home and would return ASAP. That would have maybe saved you.
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
The problem here is that I did have a cell phone (two, in fact) - but that it was in my (checked) suit jacket, so as not to interfere with dinner.
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
As luck would have it, I ran into Karen tonight and it didn't go well.
I was actually in another restaurant (Amante Pizza, where footgirl Summer used to work), trying to make an impression with a charming dinner companion from Kirkland.
In walks Karen with another girl, strolls past our booth, spots me and stops. I glanced up from the menu and said (nervously) "Oh, uh, well, hello Karen, how are you tonight?"
In the middle of my sentence, she YELLS at the top of her lungs "EAT SH..T you F..KING AS..HOLE!!!" and continued walking to her table. I tried to pass it off, glancing back to my dinner companion and saying something like "Do you know they still use a coal fired stove here?"
A million people in the city and I have to pick the same restaurant as Karen, on the same night. What would the odds be of that??? CRAP!
[ August 24, 2005, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: Ben Del Amitri ]
Posted by Wrinklesguy (Member # 732) on :
Ben..you don't deserve that.Go have a beer on me!In fact, when will you be in the Sacramento area, i will treat you to one!? In one ear and out the other brother!
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Hello Wrinklesguy -
I appreciate that and I may take you up on it. What made it even worse is that my dinner companion began wondering more and then getting insistent on me telling her "what I had done" to make Karen act that way. Of course, there's no way in the WORLD I'm going to tell THAT story to a girl who I'm trying to impress (and no way in the world she'd ever believe it anyway).
Sacramento is a nice town, I like it alot. I do get down there every once in awhile. Usually stay at the Vagabond Inn because I love it's proximity to Old Town, while still being close to the "New town" shopping areas.
Posted by Summer (Member # 9946) on :
hey Ben this is the funniest thing ive ever read i cant stop laughing. now that its over. i can picture you going thru all this with your perfect posture & the way you say things. too funny.
from summer
Posted by Mighty Mike (Member # 1922) on :
never a dull moment in ben's life lol
Posted by guitardrew (Member # 6635) on :
Wow what an incredible, unbelievable turn of events!! Very sorry to hear about all this Ben, that is a definite 'Something About Mary' scene. I would still consider taking Mona's advice on this one, even though you already saw Karen. And like everyone's saying, this has truly happened to EVERYone, lollll my own story I will not repeat, but I start laughing a little just thinking about it!
Posted by Stryder_007 (Member # 13405) on :
Holy Cow man...
Posted by guitardrew (Member # 6635) on :
Wow looking at the date this is old!lollll Im sure youve moved way past this by now, (obviously you have, as far as this forum is concerned youve been almost more proactive than ever at bringing new women into your foot world) Such is life man, time and space between the incident and the present heals everything.
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Hello Guitardrew -
It's been awhile and now that I've had time to reflect, I realize this was not exactly the best night of my life. Still thankful though, that I didn't end up on the eleven o'clock news.
It's a big enough city that I don't have to worry much about running into Karen and that's a huge plus. I've only seen her twice since then and I'm sure she thinks that quite enough!
Posted by Malory (Member # 9101) on :
HAHA!! Ben this really really is the funniest thing I've ever imagined. I"m crying Ben I can barely breathe reading this!!!!!
Like Summer says I can just see you running through allyes & yards and back streets like that, STRAIGHT up with your posture. I can hear you telling that kid who hosed you down in your formal voice saying "You have my gratitude". TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!
And your cordovan wing tips!!! Hey Ben are you banned for life from that restaurant. Another question, while you were out running for your life, did you ever stop & yell back "Im not an animal, I'm a human being"!
Last question and I'm half serious here. Once you were stripped down to your soiled undies & tshirt, were you STILL wearing your tie??
~Malory
PS - I've never seen you without your tie, even when we were camping. Wish I could have seen you then
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Hello Malory -
I was not wearing my tie. At the time, it was of little concern to me.
Posted by Stryder_007 (Member # 13405) on :
Oh SNAP!! Wrinklesguy you live in sactown too!! Man hit me up sometimes, I live in Citrus Heights! If you go to foot parties we can commute down to the bay.
Posted by pacfootluver (Member # 9180) on :
Wow this is unbelievable. It's been said several times already but I'll agree & say this is the funniest thing I've ever read. Easy for me to say but you just can't stop laughing when you read this. You should be a writer Ben.
Posted by The foot fu**in master (Member # 2152) on :
Ahhh Ben man! You killed me!!!!! I have not laughed so hard like this for ages!! Ohhhh boy! The funny thing is the contrast of you (I imagine as being the perfect gent) all suited up with a fine lady friend, going out for a meal, to have your bowels misbehave like that! Ohh man! Don't get me wrong though, I know it must obviously have been hugely embarrasing, but i'm sure you now see the funny side. As for the lady you were hoping to entertain......if she hasn't even got the decency to even hear you out and at least try and appreciate what you'd been through, she probably ain't worth the bother anyway. You've shared this with us all. Malory and Summer are still down with you. They understand you and that this could have happened to anyone. Infact, you've got Malory and Summer!! What more could need!! Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Hello The foot fu**in master -
The girl herself ... well, let's just say I never really had to worry much about her reaction - other than screaming "EAT SH.T" at the top of her lungs on a chance meeting (in another fine restaurant) because she'd never answer calls, emails, etc. I didn't even try to explain because WHO in their RIGHT MIND would EVER BELIEVE this?
You are right about Summer and Malory of course and as long as they are around, who cares about other concerns.
This incident has become folklore among the footgirls and I hear a lot about it when they are all together (social events, foot parties, karaoke nights, etc.).
Audra and Trinity re-tell their own version of the story with me being chased and hunted down by a throng of "townspeople", finally cornering me .. and I shouting out "I'm not an animal! I'm a human being".
Liv wants me to make a foot video, working this somehow into the plot! Oddly enough, I did see the humor in it, even as this horrible and bizarre event unfolded; humor which I was not able to enjoy at the time, but am able to now.
Posted by Wrinklesguy (Member # 732) on :
LMAO...oh God..Ben's gonna start making "Fecal Videos" now.Maybe Dress Malory up like a cavegirl and you hit her over the head with your caveman bat and well..ok my imagination is going wild here..
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Hello Wrinklesguy -
Speaking of Miss Malory ..... you should see this thread, there are a couple of smoking photos there. We took them literally while online and hoisted them up right then and there.
funniest story i ever read. its like something from a Ben Stiller movie. i still feel bad for you. just a little advice. my cell is always clipped on my belt or pants. it only leaves my side when i am home or having sex.if you don't want to be bothered just lower the volume or shut if off. i would never leave it in a jacket at a coat check in a restraunt. what if someone took your phone? its your word against theres. and how do you prove its in you jacket? i still don't think it mattered anyway. it would have at least took a friend a half an hour to get there... and thats asuming he's around. maybe he left his cell in his jacket at a coat check? then when he does get there unless he's got keys to your place your getting sweat pants and a sweat shirt. chances of you both being the same size are slim. and even if all thats works in your favor, this girl is not going to wait about an hour for you. i give you 30 mins for your friend to get there, and thats if he's already home and does have to go somewhere to get cloths for you. 10 mins you have been there already. and another 10 mins after he gets to you and you get ready to come out. if she's still there she's going to be pissed and how do you explain the change of cloths. sorry buddy, this night was doomed the second you shit yourself. i guess leaving was the best thing to do.
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Hello doitny -
You're right about one thing for sure .. even if I could have called a friend, it would have taken at least a half hour for he or she to get there; and the "townsolk" who were gathered out in that parking lot were already becoming hostile, as I clutched wildly at my car door handles.
I was better off running, at least that gave me a fighting chance to elude people and authorities long enough to find relief somewhere.
Posted by Ben Del Amitri (Member # 2724) on :
Talk about skeletons in the closet! I took Little Christy and a friend of hers to Westlake Center tonight. We had a great time goofing around, window shopping, etc. and then walked to Belltown for a meal at an excellent restaurant down there.
We were in high spirits; had a great afternoon and we knew the evening held even better things, as we walked and talked. The weather was perfect and the company better yet.
And then it happened - there she was - after almost three years, a hideous (and vocal) reminder of one of the most wretched, ghastly evenings of my adult life. KAREN!
There was no way around it, we practically walked right into each other. Dumbfounded and at a complete loss as to how I should handle this chance meeting, I blurted out "Oh, Karen, this is Christy and Julie. Would you like to join us for dinner".
Karen's reply: "Yeah right, so you can order $200 worth of SHIT, then sneak off and stiff me with the bill. What are you fucking NUTS???."
She walked by (briskly), making it obvious, she was not exactly enamoured of me. Christy and her little friend were shocked and stunned. We continued our walk in silence for a few minutes. Christy then spoke up, asking "what the heck could you do to make that girl so upset? Is she like an ex wife or something?".
Just to keep things simple, I said "Yes, she's an ex wife. It was a bitterly-contested divorce and she still harbors some strenuous resentment over the settlement. You know how it goes".
I think she believed me. Lamentably, this little chance meeting with Karen somehow took the wind out of our sails and deflated the high spirits we had been carrying. Dinner was good, but subdued. I'm concerned that Christy and her little friend will always have a lingering doubt in the back of their minds. Moreover, any attempts to explain the REAL reason (and sickening story behind it) ... well, there's no way they'd believe that. And even if they could, who would WANT them to?
I guess this is what they mean by golden goody, blast from the past.
Posted by Mommie Dearest (Member # 18340) on :
Wow - talk about shitty luck (pun intended!)
Isn't it wicked how small the world actually is? Thanks for the bump - funny read!
Posted by footjoyboy (Member # 26478) on :
..."$200 worth of SHIT,".... Comment by (KAREN) Ben Del Amitri
Think of it as an investment. That's, literally, one shit that keeps on 'giving'.
_fjb_ Posted by Malory (Member # 9101) on :
She lives in Kirkland now, too bad you had to run into her in Belltown. Still a funny story though.
Posted by footjoyboy (Member # 26478) on :
"Still a funny story though." Comment by Malory
More like a nightmare. I kept waiting for Ben to say he was just making it all up. How in the world does one ever live that down; especially with Karen still around? It is a classic story, though. It took a lot of guts (no pun intended) to confess that.
_fjb_ Posted by feetluvr (Member # 1570) on :
Ben- I so feel for you in what happens to you and that feeling of absolute panic of not knowing what to do. So sorry you had to experience that. It's one of those things that there's just no easy, pat answer for as to how to get out of...
And even trying to call and explain what happened, as we know, would probably have been futile.
I guess it's a commentary on our society, but it is a bit disturbing how quickly people think you're the bad guy when something like this happens. So quick to judge and unable to put themselves into your shoes and imagine how horrible it would be and how hard to get out of.
Though a million times less stressful than your evening, I had an episode a few weeks ago...
I had just finished my lunch at a place near my office that I go to at least once a week when, reaching for my wallet, discovered that it was not there. What a sinking feeling. Not only because you can't pay for an honest debt that you incurred, but wondering whether it's truly lost or just misplaced.
I calmly explained the situation to the waitress, who then called over the manager. Now again, here I am- a regular weekly customer for over two months- wearing my county name badge in full view, explainging the situation and that I of course have every intention at my earliest opportunity to pay them (I work 8-5 with a lunch hour, but cannot leave the premises otherwise). You'd have thought I was a criminal. I half thought they were going to call the cops. She inisisted that I come back that evening and pay- when I didn't even know for sure where my wallet was! I was dumbfounded.
I found my wallet when I got home. I had left it in the shorts that I had worn the night before. I was incredibly relieved of course.
I went back that next day and paid without incident. No one even made a big deal out of it- which is the way it should have been.
Anyway, so sorry to hear about your "mishap" and subsequent running into her. Chalk it up to life experience!
Posted by Tiny Dave (Member # 30771) on :
Ben I feel so bad for you. I dont think that could live in the same town after all of that.
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
![[Nut Kick]](graemlins/nutkick.gif)
, I swear the same thing happened to me and I still will not go to a restaurant unless it is somewhere I am comfortable enough to frequent, it is totally empty, or I am drunk!![[Drool]](graemlins/drool.gif)
and Summer ![[Fingers Crossed]](graemlins/fingersx.gif)