posted
If you'e single odds are there is one ex you still wish you had a shot at. I just read an article by "Future" on a guy named Savoy's blog site addressing this issue. Good stuff. His blog is below.
Beatricide
Let's talk about love. One of the most important pieces of literature in the world is a love poem. When Dante Alighieri wrote The Divine Comedy, his intent was to show the journey of a wicked soul transformed by the power of love for a beautiful woman. In Dante's case, the woman was named Beatrice. He met her once when he was nine years old and again when he was eighteen. From his infatuation came one of the most beautiful poems ever recorded. And he never got the girl.
We've all been there, I think, although most of us aren't compelled to write epic poetry in the wake of a pretty girl's passing. Too many of us fall sway to the halo effect: she arouses me, and thus can do no wrong! It is a position born from loneliness, from inexperience, from fear.
If you've been to The Attraction Forums to get dating advice or taken a Love Systems bootcamp, you know it's axiomatic to eschew attraction to a single woman. When a student asks me how to get This Specific Girl in a phone consultation, I ask him to prepare a new question. Before you can become attractive to women, there is one thing you must do first: kill Beatrice.
I don't say this callously. I'm a lover. I enjoy the women I'm with. I genuinely seek to find the best in people, although they often disappoint me, as I'm sure they do you. Nevertheless, I seek the goodness in other people. When I start hitting on a woman, I really do hope she's not going to be a silly twit whose value doesn't rise beyond the surface beauty that drew me into conversation with her.
I'm not alone. Whenever we ask students at bootcamps about their plans for the future, most of them say they'd like to find That Special Girl, even if they have to seduce a thousand young ladies to find her.
Pause.
That needs more emphasis. You must-- must-- become a creature of options. For your own sake. Not to become a poon-hound. Until you attain a meaningful, confident, consistent success with the women you desire, your own limitations will devalue the power of your love and limit your ability not only to acquire but also to keep The One.
Love Systems starts and ends with perceived options. Beautiful women are usually conditioned to be acceptably bitchy because they can get away with it. [Don't complain about this - learn how female psychology works so you can use it to your advantage]. Their options don't close off when they act poorly, so they continue to do so. Less attractive women usually learn that when they like someone, they need to treat him well. Otherwise their options are drastically limited. Pretty girls are able to set their own standards of behavior, and since the odds are good they weren't raised well, those standards typically stretch the bounds of good taste. I didn't make the rules.
Most men act like ugly girls: don't make waves, don't risk the loss, and don't treat her like merely one of your social options. Bad call. The women smell it. They feel it, like loser-water splashed all over them. They smell the underlying vibe of your every movement: I hope I don't mess this up. This neediness -- the perception that you aren't treating them like they are women, like you are a man -- is at the root of so many failed pick-ups. That girl you're pining for might even like you, in that way...
...Just a little. Teeny. Bit.
But in her gut she senses a sharp discord with her own feelings of inadequacy and innate discomfort: this guy likes me too much. Boom. You lost the girl.
And so we come to the so-called seduction community. We are told over and over again how bad “oneitis” is. Message boards teem with the mighty keystrokes of those who are mad-learned on the knowledge. But when you're in the middle of that emotional maelstrom, it's hard to hear WHY it's important to kill those feelings for that special, magical girl, to kill Beatrice.
Why? Because she's not special, and neither are you. Listen to the radio. Nearly every song is a testimony to how awesome love is. And it is. It's an overwhelming state that inspires, confounds, and defines. Through its experience, all your other emotional potentials fall into sharp relief.
In fact, in the book Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Harville Hendrix distills the experience of love down to three core emotions: 1.) This person is highly unusual and specifically tailored to loving me. 2.) I'll never feel like this again. 3.) This feeling should last forever.
Biochemically, you are DESIGNED to react to loving emotions exactly how you do. Your emotions are NOT special. They are, in fact, the textbook definition of common. Plebeian. She has loved before. So have you. She will again. So will you.
No, she's not different. When I hear guys rant about how, "No, she's different, she's a sweet girl," my head starts to spin. Do a search for the triumphs of Love Systems instructors; wherever you stand on the morality if the issue, at some point the testimony of other men's wives and girlfriends has to amount to something. It's not good or bad. It just is.
Imagine the most heinous, depraved, "slutty" thing you've seen or conceived. Now, know this: you know someone who's done something like that or worse. Such is the reality of modern reality. Suck it up and deal. After all, you're probably a normal, decent person, and all that deviance and judgment you just threw out in our imaginary situation there is NOTHING compared to the festival of sin that is your daily, hourly sexual fantasy life. What separates your thoughts from your actions? Sadly, it's probably an issue of will and game (and for some of you, of course, the law).
No one is actually that special. But everyone is that special. That one girl isn't worth a damn because everyone has a nugget of gold lodged somewhere in their chest. Everyone has some hidden glory. Sometimes it's hidden very deeply. But there truly are a vast number of interesting, beautiful women, despite their minority status. In that same regard, no single girl is all you've made her up to be. Not one. None. No one. Some of you are reading this and thinking about This One Girl You Know. Seriously, not even her. EVEN IF EVERYTHING YOU SAY ABOUT HER IS TRUE! THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS BETTER-LOOKING, SMARTER, FUNNIER, AND NICER. YOU JUST HAVEN'T MET HER YET. That glorious sun goddess is still just another glorious sun goddess. We live on a planet with 6,200,000,000 human beings. And women are in the majority. Seriously, she's not that special.
And that's why you have to kill Beatrice. That muse is only holding you back because what she's really doing, what she's really, really accomplishing, is holding you back from being your true, glorious self. Find her seventy thousand superior counterparts. Then return.
With understanding.
Experience and willingness to learn breed perspective. When you don't accrue a lot of experience with girls, it's easy to get sidetracked by illusions, to forget how mortal these divine creatures are. Then, you can find a girl you want, a girl you like, a girl you can love. And you will not love her out of habit. You will not love her because she's just the prettiest girl you've ever been with. You will love her because she's the best girl to receive your love. And that statement means something because you have allowed other, female things to happen to you!
Insightfull!
-------------------- If she won't indulge your fetish, I bet you that cuter, smarter girl across the bar will. Lets go find out. Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
A step by step by Savoy.....nevermind the sales pitches. I performed these steps while not knowing they existed and now have the ex that I would have married a few years ago chasing after me. Sadly i've moved on and realized that I was limiting myself. Savoy's article below............
1) Make sure she really is worth this effort.
Read the classic Love Systems "Kill Beatrice" post by Hall of Fame instructor "Future:"
Seriously. Go read it. This LSi will still be here when you get back.
Also, make sure you're not into this because she's "the one who got away." Lots of women got away before you started with Love Systems and if she's the one you think about, then it's natural to want what you can't have. But, if you get her back- are you sure you're going to want her? Or will the attraction disappear when she's no longer a challenge?
If it's even partly the latter, stay away. I don't want to get all preachy, but you can do a lot more damage playing on your ex's feelings than you could flirting with a new girl.
2) Do you think your ex is "as good as you're going to get?"
The irony here is that if you feel that way, you're unlikely to get her back. And if you do get her back, you're going to lose her... again.
You MUST get over this hump. Or you will repeat the cycle.
Back when I used to do phone consultations, I saw this way too often. A client would take my advice on how to get her back but ignore the inner game stuff necessary to keep her. I'm told from other instructors (who do phone consultations) that this still happens.
I can't solve inner game issues in a few paragraphs- we have a highly popular all-day seminar for that, led by the experts:
No matter how great she is, you can date women who are equally interesting. You got her, right? Why can't you get someone of equal quality again?
Unless you are 100% convinced (really convinced... not faking it) that you can attract women at and above her level, you WILL lose her.
I dish out the straight goods (no sensitive ears, please) on the Relationship Management DVDs. I think you'll get a lot out of them. Check out some of the free videos here:
Let me list a few things that are unattractive to most women:
Big, fat, hairy beer bellies. Their best friend's kid brother who follows them around like a puppy dog. Adult diapers. The ex-boyfriend who hangs around everywhere and wants her back.
If you want her back, it will show. You need some distance.
Even if you think it won't show, or that you're "not doing anything" - it probably will and you probably are, even without noticing.
Say you and her happen to be at the same party. You're minding your own business and having fun. All cool, right? But she might think it's "weird" or want to hook up with someone and see your presence as a "cockblock"- even if you're not even remotely paying attention to what she's doing.
And then she can get frustrated and feel like you're stalking, or not over her yet (some women's favorite stories to tell revolve exclusively around "men who want me"), and so on.
And then she'll actually believe it.
Even if it's completely illogical. In Love Systems, it's emotion, not logic.
4) If you're in her social circle...
Maybe you have friends in common and you're in the same extended social circle.
In that case, minimize your time together without making it seem like you're going out of your way to avoid her.
Don't talk about her. If someone brings her up and placid silence isn't an option, be positive about her and change the subject. This goes double for her dating life. It goes triple for the breakup.
Don't show off. Don't go out of your way to bring other women around her or mutual friends. Live your life and do what you'd normally do, but err on the side of caution.
Yes, Pre-selection (being attractive to other women) is one of the key things that attract especially beautiful women. But, you don't want her to feel that you are pre-selected bit by bit. When you re-initiate in a few months (see below), you want it to be a big bang.
You want her wondering, "who is this guy I let get away?"
5) Change.
Something about you should change before you re-initiate contact.
(We'll get to the biggest change you need to make, next.)
Whether it's a new job, a new hobby, a change to your dress style, something- and it need only be one thing- should change.
Since women are attracted first and then figure out the "reasons" later, you want to make it as easy as possible for women to find reasons to be interested in you, once you've hit some attraction spikes.
If this concept is new to you, I really think you could benefit from reading my book, Magic Bullets, which is full of ready-to-use techniques like this. Make sure to download the free chapters and try for yourself:
These "reasons" can be arbitrary. I've had women insist... INSIST that they slept with me because I'm a Libra and Libras are so balanced and in touch with themselves. Or because I drink gin. Or because I have "nice eyes."
They even believe it at the time. In reality, they slept with me because I ran them through the Love Systems Triad Model (from the Routines Manual Vol. 2) which made them FEEL that they wanted me. Only afterwards did they look for reasons.
So, you need to help her out with some kind of arbitrary change so she notices something different when you re-initiate contact.
This also reinforces that you should stay away from her in the meantime. It's hard to notice change when you're too close. You'll never see the grass grow by staring at it.
6) Get better with women in general.
Yes, I know you're still convinced that you just want that one girl.
I don't care. In fact, I won't even believe you until you've shown me that you can get women who are as attractive as (or more than) her, and that you still want her. Otherwise, my guess is you're rationalizing, just like a woman who sleeps with me because I'm a Libra.
But, even if I did believe you, I still wouldn't care. You still need to get better with women in general.
Think of top golfer Tiger Woods. He rarely trains for any specific golf course. He practices the fundamentals of golf- driving, putting, and so on.
Maybe before a tournament he refreshes a bit on the course, but that's it. Tiger Woods gets better at golf; he doesn't get better at a specific golf course.
For all of this to have an effect, you need to get better with women in general.
(Usually that means a bootcamp or one-on-one coaching. But, you can also make a ton of progress using Magic Bullets with Volume 2 of the Routines Manual and sorting out any gaps with the advanced interview series.)
Learn the skills. Get experience using them. Success breeds success. Women can "smell" a man who is comfortable with beautiful women and able to keep up with them. And men who are not.
For a real-life example of this- how a stand-offish "10" turned into a very sexual, threesome-loving dream girl, and how to seduce a runway model from the Playboy Mansion, read this classic field report:
(It's in two parts... so when you hit the bottom of the post, there should be a thing that says click here for Part II.)
7) Then, and only then, re-initiate contact.
When you're ready- that is, when you are confidently and consistently attracting women who are as attractive as her or better- only then can you re-initiate contact with her from a position of strength.
Whatever you do, when you re-initiate USE THE LOVE SYSTEMS TRIAD. If you make her feel emotionally close to you but not physically (or you miss the opportunity physically because your logistics were wrong) you'll doom yourself to yet more time in "Let's Just Be Friends" land.
This is an especially big risk if you guys have already broken up once. The Triad is a special part of Volume 2 of the Love Systems Routines Manual:
When you re-initiate contact with her, act like you're in the "Dating/Undefined" category of relationships.
The Relationship Management DVDs break down relationships into 6 categories- including traditional relationships, multiple relationships, friends with benefits, etc.
Dating/Undefined is somewhat like treating every time you see her as the 2nd or 3rd date. Have that frame.
If you're not familiar with this, learn Love Systems Relationship Management. It covers everything from how to get into every kind of relationship (one girlfriend, threesomes, multiple girlfriends, one night stands, hookups, etc.), to how to manage each one, how to move between, and more.
It's also the only place where we released "the model"- how you can predict when and how your girlfriend might cheat and also what you can do about it (it's not what you think):
It's gone wrong once. Don't let it go wrong again. My current girlfriend and I have broken up a couple of times, so I know where you're coming from.
Good luck,
Savoy
-------------------- If she won't indulge your fetish, I bet you that cuter, smarter girl across the bar will. Lets go find out. Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2006
| IP: Logged |
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
Printer-friendly view of this topic
