For those who read the Michelle thread three years ago, and / or the prologue to it several months later, you can skip the first two-thirds of this narrative and go straight to the Conclusion. I realize this may be far too long for most readers and have left out a TON of meaningful information to keep it as brief as possible.
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Original post, July 2006
Footgirl Michelle is one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet. I first met her in Beaverton about two years ago and she's been one of the best people I've known since. About a year ago she fell upon some hard times and things have been very tough for her.
This morning I ran into her down in Portland. She didn't look very happy; although still beautiful, you could tell that stress and hard times had taken their toll on her. She tried to avoid me when she first saw me but realized it was too late to ditch out and meekly said "Hello".
She made a few unnecessary excuses for the way she was dressed but she hugged me tightly and it felt very good ... yet bittersweet.
I invited her to share a meal with me and we went down to the Mt Tabor restaurant on Hawthorne where they serve great meals and breakfast all day. Michelle ate like a horse. Although it embarrassed her to confess, she was honest in revealing the course her life had taken .. and it hurt me to hear most of it.
After our meal I walked her back to her car ... which also looked terrible. To tell the truth, it was a rust-bucket clap-trap with plastic over one of the windows. Before leaving I asked for a hug and she held me for at least three minutes ... buried her face in my neck and just stood there silently for three full minutes.
I opened the car door for her and tried to give her some pocket money but she wouldn't take it. So I asked her to help me set up the Venom studio over on Powell for a foot party and offered to pay for that. She said "Yeah sure, I'll meet you over at Yola's around 2:00 this afternoon".
So .. at Yola's over on SE Foster, I'm there at 1:30 and Michelle isn't around. At 2:00 I called and guess what? Phone number is no longer in service. What a surprise. It turned into a very sad day. It was SO nice to see Michelle and having a meal with her was really good ... yet I couldn't help but be filled with trepidation after she drove off, and even worse when she didn't show up. I almost wish I hadn't seen her to begin with. She's out there somewhere and I wonder if I'll ever see her again.
Sometimes I just don't understand how all this works.
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PROLOGUE - October 2006
This happened on a Friday back in late July. After three months, I just happened to see Michelle again on Saturday morning in Portland. She looked terrible; frail, haggard and her hair had lost it's luster. A few bruises on her arms & shoulders and she was dressed terribly. She was hanging out in front of Eatza Pizza in Eastport plaza. I took her over to Diane's on 50th & SE Foster for a cheap but filling breakfast. Unlike last time, she didn't have much of an appetite and ate very little. She stared off into space and couldn't stay focused.
After breakfast, I asked her where her car was parked and she revealed to me that she no longer had it; she was "waiting for a ride" but kept that part of things vague, so I didn't pry. Again, I tried to give her some pocket money but she wouldn't take it. So I walked her over to a little grassy area nearby, did a five-minute "photo shoot", had her sign a model release & paid her for that. She held back tears when I gave her the money and said "You don't have to do this, you know. You're never going to use these pictures for anything".
I kissed her on the cheek and walked away. Didn't even go back to my car, just walked down Foster to a crappy little place called Mocha Master where I spent the next half hour. I guess what bothers me most about this is that Michelle (like all of our footgirls) is one of the most beautiful girls in the world. To my eye, all of these girls are. It's the way I see them, all of them and I can't understand why the world is not completely great for them.
Some of these girls do things they can't exactly write home about and some of them do things they are not proud of. In the case of Michelle, I'm not sure I want to know about some of the things she's gone through and I pretend not to know much of what I do; because she's still an Angel in my eye and it hurts to think of her out there fighting for her survival, her very existence.
Just like the last time, I wonder if I'll ever see her again .. and half of me hopes I do not because I don't think I can bear to see what may become of her .. and her life. Or worse, her demise.
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CONCLUSION - Mid through Late 2008
It had been nearly a year since I'd seen Michelle, when she called late at night. It was around 1:00 am. She asked if I could get to a place near Woodstock Park to help her (and a friend) with a flat tire. She sounded drunk or drugged, incoherent and sleepy. I was terrified to think of her out there at this hour in such a state ... and in one of the most terrible, crime-ridden areas of Portland.
I got dressed, picked up a friend and drove over. When we arrived, Michelle and her friend Misty were both in the car, and (by some miracle) safe, unmolested, unharmed and alive. They were, however, passed out. I realized immediately, this was not alcohol we were dealing with. She fell in and out of consciousness several times over the next few hours and it wasn't until nearly 5:00 am that she became coherent enough to give me an address where she could be taken.
Over the next year and a half, she called me every once in awhile. Always late at night, and usually in an incoherent state. Always with talk of a new job or opportunity, of how things were going to improve; until one bright, beautiful day in November of last year. Michelle called and was CLEAR, conscious, sharp and happy. She said she'd kicked the drugs, alcohol and all of the other hideous problems that had been killing her slowly. She'd found a new boyfriend and promised me SOLEMNLY that this guy really was "The One". He was different, and he'd proposed marriage.
Michelle was clean, sober and engaged to be married to a guy who was going to love and take care of her. She was going to be a June bride, and asked if I'd do the honor of giving her away to the groom. This was the greatest news I'd heard in ages and a HUGE relief! All I could think of was "Thank HEAVENS for this guy, who ever he is"!
Her phone calls trailed off after awhile, and by March, stopped coming all together. Then another late night call in July of this year. It was from a pay phone somewhere in Eugene Oregon and this time Michelle was barely intelligible. Her voice and words where so slurred, I had to struggle to make any sense of it, to understand half the words. After just a few minutes I heard a lot of clanging, a few thuds and Michelle stopped talking. She'd evidently fallen down or passed out and the phone was just hanging there. A few minutes later, somebody picked it up and hung it up. This left me terrified, and months went by without so much as a "Hello".
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LAST CALL - September 28th, 2009
Finally - a phone call that was not late at night, a phone call not born of desperation. It came this morning, it was Michelle's brother. He informed me that dear, beautiful Michelle had left this world and had done so of her own volition. It had obviously been planned quite in advance - she was on a bed with her (two) favorite stuffed animals, wearing her favorite sweater. She'd left several keepsakes for friends, an open diary and a very long letter.
Unlike her desperate phone calls and incoherent ramblings, the letter was clear, concise and eloquent. And though I shan't go into detail on the letter itself, I will say that reading it caused more pain than anything I could imagine - the fact it was so clear and reasoned made it even more painful, more difficult to bear.
Over the course of Michelle's farewell letter, and repeatedly throughout her diary, she mentioned and alluded to her life as a footgirl quite often; calling it a highlight, and viewing it as a major accomplishment. I honestly wonder if that was a real and dear reflection on her involvement in our footworld, foot-related events and parties ... or a sad testament to the lack of real substantive achievement in the terribly short life of a troubled, misguided youth.
For those who read and commented on the photo post of Lena in the "Little Girl Lost" photo thread a few months ago, this is exactly what I was alluding to there, the thing that I fear most when coming across troubled or abused young girls. How the heck does all this happen? It's a rhetorical question, yet one I can not stop asking.
[ September 29, 2009, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: Ben Del Amitri ]
Posted by LeDaemon (Member # 198) on :
Before I read the conclusion I knew this was going to end badly. I don't really know how to comment on that other than its a shame that someone so young thought there was no other direction their life could go other than to end it themselves. I've known a few people that have committed suicide after their lives went on a downward spiral fueled by drug abuse. Sad...
Posted by seve60 (Member # 17374) on :
My condolences to you and Michelle's famiily. She was a one in a million type girl!
Posted by ChaingangSoldier (Member # 14891) on :
My deepest condolences. I know exactly what your going through man. Two of my friends committed suicide last year and it still shocks me how somebody could take their own life
Posted by archadmirer (Member # 3142) on :
My condolences Ben. Bravo to you for being one of the best parts of this unfortunate woman's life. Caring so deeply enriches life... you enjoy the highest highs, get ready for the lowest lows Take good care.
Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
I'm very sorry to hear this news. Very sad & all too tragic. Hopefully she'll find the peace in the afterlife that unfairly eluded her on earth and she will rest in peace. My condolences to you on the loss of a friend, I know it's gotta be tough right now, but you should take solace in the fact you did well to make her smile and add as much happiness as you could into her troubled life. It's a crazy world out there, and it's often very tough to deal with for the very best of us, but to hear of such a beautiful woman with such seemingly unlimited potential robbed of her innocenance, her focus, her dreams, her ambitions and ultimately her life thanks to the trappings of drugs and the void they can leave in ones soul. I'm not even an anti drug or poor decision type of person, I think anything can be alright if done in moderation and one is able to maintain control. Unfortanatly with hard drugs and the lifestyle that accompanys them, anyone, even a beautiful princess like Michelle, can find themselves enslaved to their addictions and a world that should be in the palm of her hand or bowing at her feet can turn into a nightmere too agonizing to endure. The fact that a few poor decisions can ruin even the finest of people seems all too unforgiving, unfair and tragic to comprehend. I'm very sorry for your loss and may God Rest her soul. My thoughts and prayer are with you and her family in this difficult time. RIP.
Posted by Hal (Member # 3484) on :
My condolences to you, Ben. Very shocking news...the second post this week of a forum member`s tragic loss.
-Hal-
Posted by The foot fu**in master (Member # 2152) on :
Like LeDaemon, I also sensed where this was going and i'm so sorry to hear of this. But Ben, you did what you could. You made a difference. And know that the considerate among us will hold you, Michelle and her family in our thoughts.
Bye Michelle.
X
Posted by Lyrical (Member # 6603) on :
Whoa. Sad indeed. m heart goes out.
Posted by Salvy_Mic (Member # 13384) on :
I've got a friend who's somewhat in a similar situation. She seems okay and content, but there's simply so much drama in her life and most of the times I talk to her, something's always going on with her. Considering she lives in a real bad area, I worry about her when she never calls or returns any calls. I do what I can, but there really isn't much I can do. Ben, I completely understand where you're coming from. I can't even fathom the loss of a friend who's known nearly nothing but sadness and darkness in her life, it just seems like it isn't fair at all. My condolences go out to Michelle's family, it must be hard for everyone. Stay strong Ben.
Posted by montegalan (Member # 14465) on :
Ben: I read this post this morning and I can`t get over it! So terribly sad what happens with this young people!! But I believe we can change it. We all come across troubled people in our lives and look the other way unlike you, Ben. I will try harder to be a good role model, to have a few words of encouragement and specially to open my mouth when I see them making a mistake! Even if they think of me as the uncool old fart! I will try to make a difference from now on!! Thanks for sharing this story with us Ben. It reminded me that we are all on this together!
Posted by PrimeFootWorship (Member # 26591) on :
man this is so fuckin deplorable my heart goes out to you Ben and those who knew her well.
Posted by Patrick (Member # 1169) on :
It is so hard to deal with the outcome of other people's choices that you do not agree with. It is even harder when they're a friend, loved one, or family member. You almost hate them at times for what is going on, but love them and every time they seem to be on the right track, you feel happy for them. All too many times people can't bring themselves out of whatever it is that keeps them. I think we all know someone who has had overwhelming personal demons. Sometimes I wish those people in our lives could read more stories like this and realize that they could be next.
I wish the best for everyone who was close to this girl and wish to tell them to remember all the good things about them and not dwell on their weaknesses.
Patrick
Posted by Tiny Dave (Member # 30771) on :
Thats so dog gone sad. But she is in a better place now with no more pain.
Posted by 2 X 4 (Member # 2886) on :
My condolences to and to Michelle's family also. May she finally be at peace.
Posted by phillyfootworship (Member # 20091) on :
My heart goes out to Michelle and her family and you, as well. It is so sad and the people who commented above are right. Ben, you should be proud of the way you handled this situation. I am sure she is looking down on you and thanking you for all the help you gave her.
May she rest in peace. I definitely said a prayer for her.
Posted by Squid (Member # 3518) on :
My condolences and sympathy to you and Michelle's family. I will keep you and them in my prayers.
Posted by sayonara (Member # 5497) on :
sad Posted by footboy1 (Member # 4549) on :
Ben,
My deepest condolences go out to you, her family and her friends.
-footboy1
Posted by Tyler D. (Member # 11452) on :
very saddening to hear about this. it was an honor to hear that she felt uplifted by her involvement in showing off her feet.
at least that brought her a sense of confidence in a tough world.
i'm always saddened to hear about women's involvement in drugs as I know it can affect their lives very dramatically.
obviously michelle went through much pain in life because of that. i believe she is in a higher place now and I hope she looks back in life and remembers the fond times she had while on this earth. god bless
Posted by RPM (Member # 2895) on :
i'm sorry to hear about your loss and the pain her family is going through. i'll be keeping you and her fam in my prayers. i too ask the same question.. and my line of work hasn't brought anymore answers, just more questions. the fact you were a ray of light in her life means that she didn't suffer always and had moments of happiness to hold on to. may she rest in peace
Posted by 2nd. To God In Power (Member # 23391) on :
Damn, sad story indeed. Drugs has taken soooo many peoples lives that it's overly sad. She will be missed. Have a pic of what she looks like?
Posted by feet lover/chris (Member # 2048) on :
ben my condolenses my friend. she was a beautiful model you tied to help her. my heart goes out to you and michelle's family. rip.sweetie.
Posted by DennisIsEvil (Member # 11755) on :
I'm sorry to hear that. My condolensces on your loss.
Posted by Those Toes (Member # 2489) on :
Too bad that we cant save them all Ben. I'm sorry about your loss. It's a shame she felt the need to take her own life when others wanted to save it. That's how it goes sometimes.
Posted by climax (Member # 6641) on :
A truly sad loss indeed, havent come across this before and so I never knew this woman but she sounds like someone who was really special to you, a true angel and just reading this whole post is deeply devistating. I feel for you man, my condolenses, I hope you and her family can find peace and can continue living, and smiling and treasure her memory. I think she would have wanted that.
Posted by Pjay (Member # 35692) on :
Sorry to read about the decline and loss of your friend, Ben.
Is Michelle someone whose pictures you posted here?
Posted by perfectpeds (Member # 29295) on :
Ben,
My heart goes out to you and although I am not familiar with Michelle, it breaks my heart to know that the world has lost some of its beauty with her passing.
We can never know more than what another may want us to know. Based on my experience with you here in the forum, I am sure you were one of the pleasant and bright parts of Michelle's existence. It is apparent that when she was at her lowest points, she would reach out to "the light" and you were always there.
Michelle is no longer struggling in this life but she will live on in many memories and for that matter - she will live in at least one more memory thanks to your telling her story!
![[Cry]](cry.gif)
Take good care.