i dont really wanna talk about the ins and outs of this anymore. but im going through a sort of self inflicted problem with my girlfriend which im hoping we can overcome.
i've been looking elsewhere for relationship advice, to try and get help so i can be a better boyfriend and a better person. so i posted on a relationship advice forum and instantly got labeled as objectifying women and manipulating because i have a foot fetish.
you know, maybe ive made many huge mistakes in my life but cant people see im looking to find a way to be a better person. i never intended to hurt anyone ever.
this is the post, and im sure to be banned pretty soon.
im not self pittying, i just want a happy life. im really sorry for everything i've posted on here. im just really sorry
Posted by realbean (Member # 3172) on :
That's really harsh - you made a bad move going there it's full of man hating femininazis that don't understand you at all.
I mean within like 2 posts a woman said it's your fault you need to get rid of your addiction - obvious bullshit.
In response to your actual problem - I think you need to discuss it properly with your girlfriend and find a resolution whether it be for the better or worse.
You cannot get rid of your 'fetish' - You have gone through counselling and tried to change yourself for the better.
How you behaved before may well have caused your girlfriends problem - but it's just that - your girlfriends problem. She needs help to get over it. It's your fault her attitude is the way it is but she's the one that needs to change it.
If she is unwilling then that means bye bye. If it was ok before then it could be ok again, if she's won't hear anything more about it you can't change who you are and you'll have to find someone else as hard as that may be.
Posted by jamesdd (Member # 19270) on :
yeah thats kinda the way i view it too. ive been really honest and admitted my wrong doings, thats the hardest part.
i thought going onto a relationship forum and being really honest i would get an unbiased and helpful answer.
all i got was somebody labeling me as somebody with a mental disorder that is harmful to relationships and therefore i need to get full counciling to learn not to act out my fetish in real life. apparently i am manipulating and objectifying.
it really really hurt. its hard enough to deal with the fact i make my girlfriend unhappy with this let alone to be told i am a bad person.
thank you for your support, it has made a difference to me. i was beating myself up enough already.
like i said i dont really wannt trouble anyone with my problems. its something ive gotta deal with. i could choose to move on, but id rather try to find a solution. which there isnt at the moment, but maybe there will one day be or maybe not.
point it everyone on that forum made me feel really small apart from one person. shame that general society can still have such a negative view about fetishists just by reading up on 'mental disorders'
Posted by jamesdd (Member # 19270) on :
there is a good story to this. now that i have been blocked from the forum, i received a private message from the one member who didnt judge me negatively. she said this:
"I'm sorry your post has been locked. Some people just don't see that fetishes can be harmless. I wrote you a long reply but it got locked out and I lost it. I am from the UK and have been helping people with their problems for over 25 years. I am a Relationships Expert and Life Coach and incorporate fetishes, sex therapy, low self esteem and lack of confidence in my work.
What I suggested in my last post is that you need TIME here to try to heal the fetish rift between you and your girlfriend. Sure, she's closed to it just now but that doesn't mean she always will be. She just needs to gain back the trust in you again and let her see that you do not view her FEET as the most important part of her, but instead you love her as a whole. Once her confidence is back up then there is nothing to say she wouldn't enjoy having a foot massage from you (heck most women would love it!) It's just that you took it further right?"
for that i am grateful
Posted by Goddess Melanie (Member # 40802) on :
What was the reason for the breakup? And what was the catalyst that set it in motion?
P.S. Stupid cow "faith" quoted DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) to you, anyone quoting DSM to a person on a relationship forums looking for advice, is a daft cow. Once of my close friends is a certified therapist, and she too would say that person is a "stupid c...".
Sound like your ex-girlfriend that you reunited with has a foot fetish phobia. Address what created the phobia of you or your foot feitsh, not the fetish in general. Remove the "trigger" for this apprehension and you should be good to go. Meanwhile tide yourself over with her shoes, to keep a positive outlook.
Posted by Goddess Melanie (Member # 40802) on :
quote:Originally posted by realbean: That's really harsh - you made a bad move going there it's full of man hating femininazis that don't understand you at all.
I disagree with your assessment, I think these are by the book, to the letter Skinnerian behavioral theorists. With nothing practical to say. I can summarize her post in three words "Look within yourself". Their call to action is any evidence of what they think is an abusive or toxic relationship to either of the parties.
Had he posted that she chewed him out and screamed at him, they'd start a pity party for him to exit the relationship as she's being abusive.
Posted by feetdickfeet (Member # 129) on :
Take it slow bro. If you handle it just right you can turn this into a great relationship and also have her feet on a regular basis. I met my wife when we were both 15 and the very first thing I noticed was her feet. Being a foot lover I had to tell her how pretty her feet were. Did she find it weird? Sure, but I didn't push the issue or let her know just how badly I wanted to play with her feet. As the years passed and we started dating I slowly worked the foot play into our relationship. She finally started to notice that lots of men stared at her feet and realized that I was not the only man that loved pretty feet and found them to be arousing. Now she too sees how pretty her feet are and loves the power that they have over me. Fact is many men and women don't understand the fetish. Give her time and help her understand that you can't help how you feel about her feet and show her that you love her firstand her feet are just the icing on the cake. I think she will come around.
Posted by Beautifulfeetonline.com (Member # 13717) on :
Yeah, vanilla forums are... interesting.
Posted by Scotty7493 (Member # 13127) on :
I haven't read any of the replies here or on that forum, but it's okay to have a foot fetish.
Stand up for yourself and don't let others bash you or put you down. There are a lot of us out here and most rational people understand it's just a fetish, big deal.
Most of my girlfriends in the past have been understanding of it. Some were into it, others really weren't (didn't understand it) but didn't make a big deal or fuss about it.
Don't put so much emotional weight into replies from others on-line. You most likely don't know any or all of them, and they've never done anything for you but be nasty.
Fuck'*m.
Posted by Scotty7493 (Member # 13127) on :
"it really really hurt. its hard enough to deal with the fact i make my girlfriend unhappy with this let alone to be told i am a bad person."
Bullshit. You're not a bad person. But you also have to understand and appreciate your girlfriend may not be into it. Learn to respect that and live with it. Ask yourself is your girlfriend who can't appreciate you have a foot fetish more important to you than getting your foot fetish fix??
If it's really driving you crazy, dump her. You'll feel better about yourself and who you are, and you'll be able to sleep at night. Find a girl who is into having you worship her feet (yes, they are out there), and you'll both live happily ever after.
Life is too short to worry about what other people think. It's your life, not theirs.
Posted by Lyrical (Member # 6603) on :
Would she have been upset if you wanted her breasts more often? if everytime you saw her you wanted to caress her breats or focus on them how would she feel? Sometimes we paint ourselves in a corner with the term fetish. many peoplethink that it means there is nothing else that we like as opposed to us admiring the beauty of a woman's feet as we would her smile or her hair. I do not know how you will make it if she absolutely will not engage. Long term what do you think you would do. Could it be a control mechanism? What if what she likes sexually suddenly became something that you no longer enjoyed but she still did? it may be difficult but you will have to decide what's most important to you.
Posted by jamesdd (Member # 19270) on :
im hoping with this one last shot she will come around. if not i cant go on anymore like this
Posted by hyperion2424 (Member # 39397) on :
Two general comments:
1. Anonymous internet assholes tend to behave like, well, anonymous assholes. Some of the meanest people you will ever encounter inhabit such fora;
2. When you are surrounded by insane people who are down on you, you start to question your own worth and your own sanity. You begin to think like they do.
A live person, whether a counselor or a friend, can be of tremendous help. Hang in there bro.
-hyp
Posted by nusuth (Member # 7372) on :
no matter what they claimed, they are narrow minded, 'moralistic' and judgemental. ignore what they said.
my advice about your situation though is that one, ok, you werent the most understanding of boyfriends previously and selfish but you claim this isnt you now. two, you obsess over getting her feet but claim you dont pressure her. i hate to tell you but i have a hard time believing that you dont make her feel pressured. dont forget even asking about the whole situation is going to put stress on her. although i do also think she needs to open up a little also. she seems like she is a little too freaked out over the whole situation.
good luck
Posted by PublicName (Member # 12270) on :
^ basically. that and what fdf said but yeah dude..you erally gotta take it slow. I've hit the high road like you have before and it fucked up a whole lot of shit for me, but at least now I know what to do and what not to do! Like that Eve said on that forum, never let the feet become more important than the person they're attached to..that's more important than anything really.
Posted by feetplease (Member # 36371) on :
Hey dude sounds like you're in a big problem...the way I see it there's two ways to it. One is its gonna take a very very long time of you not talking about it and doing everything that has nothing to do with her fetish so that she sees you like her overall and not just her feet to the point that she can become comfortable with it again. But for this to happen you really need to stop mentioning it 6 months without mentioning it isn't even that much and you haven't been able to do that so I'm not sure you'll be able to handle the year or 2 that it would probably take for her to become comfortable with it.
The second way I see it has no fixing and it basically means that she is the snobby girl you talk about and she ends up only caring about her needs as a coping mechanism (think of it as a wall to protect her feelings) so she will never care enough about you to let you have your way with her feet because of that wall. This means that no matter how long you go trying to make it up to her it will never work. I really hope this isn't the case but let me just give you an example from a close friend so you understand what I'm talking about although its a completely different situation what my friend did but hopefully you'll be able to see the similarities.
So my friend had been goin out with his gf for 1.5 years and got her to finally have sex with him 8 months into the relationship. Then the dumbass at around a year 2 months starts cheating on her and she inevitably finds out. They break up and don't talk for months and then get back together. His cheating was always in the back of her mind and was always held over him and he somehow withstood 3 years of catering to her every need and making it up to her to show her she was a changed man and could be the bf she wanted.
In my opinion after all the shit I saw him do for her he more than made up for what he did in a year if not less which is about when he tried to have sex with her the 1st time since they got back together and got shot down but she still wouldn't do him after 3 which is when he finally decided to call it quits. So if it is this type of situation I feel sorry for you dude because she may well never get over it and the time you are going to put into the relationship just won't be worth it. But I really really hope this is not the case...hope this helped man.
Posted by scrunchlover (Member # 21542) on :
quote:Originally posted by jamesdd: i dont really wanna talk about the ins and outs of this anymore. but im going through a sort of self inflicted problem with my girlfriend which im hoping we can overcome.
i've been looking elsewhere for relationship advice, to try and get help so i can be a better boyfriend and a better person. so i posted on a relationship advice forum and instantly got labeled as objectifying women and manipulating because i have a foot fetish.
you know, maybe ive made many huge mistakes in my life but cant people see im looking to find a way to be a better person. i never intended to hurt anyone ever.
this is the post, and im sure to be banned pretty soon.
im not self pittying, i just want a happy life. im really sorry for everything i've posted on here. im just really sorry
I didn't get to read the blog yet, but It sounds like your "huge" mistake is trying to make others happy. You can only provide joy to others but true happiness comes from within. What that really means, is that you have to find someone who's going in the same direction as you are.
Posted by realbean (Member # 3172) on :
guys - he says he leaves it months before he asks her again about it.
He's doing the right thing....
Posted by jamesdd (Member # 19270) on :
thank you guys, you're all giving me really good advice.. its very hard for me to explain clearly and i didnt really want to talk about it anymore because i feel that i have exhausted this subject on this forum and some of you might get sick of my story.
my point of this post was how narrow minded this girl was towards me on a free relationship advice forum. she basically told me to seek counciling so i never had to act on something that was objectifying and manipulating!! a few others were hinting towards this too and it was a real kick in the balls considering how hard this has all been for me.
i can look at it 2 ways. i can break up or i can try. im willing to try a little longer, but ive decided that if this is not sorted by the new year i cant carry on, mainly because the summer season is almost unbarable to be in a relationship unable to touch feet.
but, since last week i have recieved 2 private messages on the forum. one from a lady called eve who has been amazing to me and really encouraging. and the other from someone who thought that the member who attacked me should be diciplined or removed from the forum and said she was way out of order. that meant the world to me.
anyway, this is my plan. for the last 6 months ive asked or tried to do something with my girlfriends feet about once a month and failed. im now going to totally leave it out and act as if her feet dont exist until the new year. its going to be tough but the cold winter and socks are on my side lol. if i can show her that she is more important, she might come around in the new year. im hoping..
im still aware she may not. if she doesnt come around then i'll move on.
one more note, before my girlfriend and i had an argument about this 2 weeks ago, she started to let me touch her feet now and again during sex. although thats not enough for me, it made me happy and showed some progression.
thanks for everyones support. moral of the story is stick to wu's forum!!
Posted by jamesdd (Member # 19270) on :
on another note, she has also said that she wished she felt ok with it. as well as not liking me having this fetish, she does want it to change. i've been pushing and asking how we can sort this out since being back with her in april. maybe its just that which has made her feel pressured and she doesnt realise it.
so hoping my plan will work, and maybe she might start to wonder why i am no longer interested in her feet and the reverse physcology might happen
Posted by Toe-fu (Member # 18036) on :
I didn't read all the replies here nor did I read the replies on the other forum, I just read your main post in that other forum.
I would dump a bitch like that in an instant, she obviously doesn't understand you.
Posted by Scotty7493 (Member # 13127) on :
quote:Originally posted by Toe-fu: I didn't read all the replies here nor did I read the replies on the other forum, I just read your main post in that other forum.
I would dump a bitch like that in an instant, she obviously doesn't understand you.
HAHA yeah man. Unfortunately if she doesn't come around, he'll have to decide wether it's better to stay with her and have no feet, or move on and find someone that will make him happy.
And it's only feet, like I've said before, I've never run into a girl that didn't let me have my way, even for a little while, with her feet, even if she didn't "understand" it, I had no problems.
It's not like you're shoving your dick up her asshole.........or maybe she'd like.....
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)