I don't know If I missed it.... checked back as far as the second page but it's either gone, or it's there and I can't see it like tryin' to find the salt when it's right in front of you ....
Ok here's one...
What sexual position creates the ugliest offspring?
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Dont worry bro..your not blind...somebody probably pissed and moaned that it was too "offensive" and got the mods to take it off...ah well..must be nice to be sheltered all your life.
God only knows the answer to that Footlong!
Posted by Toetapper (Member # 6473) on :
I looked all over last night as I thought of a couple really good ones to share. Probably right, bluetoelover, there are whiners everywhere. I have to admit that I was trying for some classy jokes, though; if you're going to pick on people, you must do it with style.
Any position in a trailer?
Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
quote:Originally posted by FootLongSub Zero:
What sexual position creates the ugliest offspring?
Ask your mother Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Gold Footlong, pure gold.
Did ya ever hear of the "Devil's Inch"?
Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: Did ya ever hear of the "Devil's Inch"?
Nope
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
It's when you are doing the girl doggy style and you reach back and pull your balls back and drive that extra inch you now have into her! I know it's not so much a joke but it sure will give her a "jump" Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Why aren't gay guys ever late for their planes?
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
A couple in their nineties are both having trouble remembering things. During a checkup the doctor tells them that they're physically o.k., but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching t.v., the old man gets up from his chair. "Want any thing while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure" "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget?" "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down." He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top." "I'd also like some whipped cream. I'm sure you'll forget that, write it down?" Irritated he says "I don't need to write it down! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Wheres my toast?"
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: Why aren't gay guys ever late for their planes?
Because they always pack their shit the night before! Posted by Toetapper (Member # 6473) on :
Sofatater, you got me with that one.
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth would you reward that dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!!!" Posted by Toetapper (Member # 6473) on :
sofatater, another gem! I feel obliged to reach back and find a good one. It's one thing to tell a joke but an entirely different matter to type one.
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
Thank you. Glad you liked them. Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
A dude burstin' to go to the toilet, in desperation uses the Ladies room in a posh hotel.
He sits down and notices 4 buttons each marked "WW, WA, PP & ATR". Curious he press "WW" and is gently sprayed with Warm Water, presses "WA" and a blast of Warm Air dries him, "PP", a Powder Puff which left him smelling fresh. Feeling pampered he presses "ATR". He wakes up in hospital & the nurse says "ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover, your cock is under your pillow"....
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
When I heard that my 95 year old grandfather had died, I shot straight over to grandma's house to see how she was holding up. After I made sure that she would be o.k., I asked here how grandpa had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love Sunday morning." she replied. Just a little freaked out I told her that two people approaching the century mark having sex is just asking for trouble. (not to mention a mental image I didn't need.) "Oh no, sweety", replied grandma. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along!!" Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
I'll have to try that Devil's Inch. Have you guys ever Mexican Avalanched a girl? It's awesome, you gotta try it...First you ejaculate in a woman's hair and then throw her down a flight of stairs! -------------------------------------------------
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains? "Not yet," she replied! -------------------------------------------------
One day a guy was in his front yard mowing the grass when his attractive blond neighbor came out of to check her mail. She opened the mailbox, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again and Angrily, stormed back into the house.
As the guy was getting ready to edge the lawn, the Sexy Blonde came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the guy asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL." -------------------------------------------------
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it from behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it from behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Holy fuck Drunk! Gold jokes... Rainbow kiss...eat the chick out while she is on her rag and jump up and kiss her Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
lol. Angry Pirate - Bust one in her eye, then kick her in the leg.
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
Little Johnny was great! Freakin' classic!! Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you Strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. 'How about Nuclear power?' said the stranger smiling. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a Deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know Shit? -------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny's taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Well, Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" -------------------------------------------------
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions. So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red" Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato". "No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it" "Go to the principals office" says the teacher. "No but you're thinking teach", says Johnny, "It's a quarter"
Posted by Captain Morgan (Member # 29917) on :
I am really glad there aren't too many drinking jokes here. My favorite uncle,Uncle Ed died of drinking.He drank a whole gallon of varnish...he had a terrible death,but a lovely finish. -------------------------------------------------I see where KFC are going to honor the Presidential terms of George Bush.They are coming up with the Bush Bucket.It's full of right wings and arseholes..really heavy on the arseholes.
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgusting! Why do you allow him to do that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry you were exposed to that, but that man has a very serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,"Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?!" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan." Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
lol. Great stuff Sofatater
Little Johnny was at it again. One day his father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees son?" "No!!!! I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age eight I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age nine I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 10 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!" -------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then ays, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten! Now excuse me while I go take a piss." -------------------------------------------------
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
"IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!", Shouted April as the Teacher Fainted.
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
Ralph cane home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke in front of the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,"You died in your sleep, Ralph". Ralph was pretty freaked out. "I can't be dead! I've got too much left to do. Too much to live for! Send me back!!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that's as a chicken. Ralph was devastated, but asked St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered in feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? Hows your first day here? "Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating". explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never", said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen", says the rooster. "It's no big deal". Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout... "Dammit, Ralph! Wake Up! You're shitting in the bed!! Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
hahahahaha.
Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
Forgive me for those who are over religious...My brother told this one to me when I was about 7 or 8 and at the time didn't think it was funny. In fact I almost cried..
Jesus up on the hill nailed to the cross. He yells "Moses, I have to tell you something".. Down amoungst the spectating crowed Moses comes out and starts walking up the hill determined to hear what the Lord had to say before he passed...
Jesus: (moaning in pain) "Moses, I want to tell you something" Moses: "I'm comming my Lord."
He almost reaches the top of the hill but the guards with the 'Takin' No Shit' attitude chopped off his arms and he rolls down the hill....
Jesus: (moaning in pain) "Moses, I have to tell you something" Moses: "I'm comming my Lord."
Moses gets up and starts to walk up the hill again... almost to the top, the guards chop off one of his legs... Same thing happens again instead he hops up the hill and the guards chop off his other leg....
Jesus:(crying in pain) "MOSES... WHERE ARE YOU MOSES.... I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!" Moses: (barely alive) "I'm comming my Lord"
Just using his chin, he inches up the hill slowly, almost to the top the guards feel sorry for him and inspired by his determination they decide to let him through... He gets to the bottom of the cross and cries...
Moses: "I'm here my Lord, Tell me what you have to say" Jesus: "I can see your house from here"
[ May 30, 2008, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: FootLongSub Zero ]
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
When I was a kid, my dad kept a folder of jokes and as I grew up I have been keeping a collection of my own. Here's a couple more.
Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
Man's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course. And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!
Three women: One engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again... The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boy friend came home, He found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said "You are the woman of my dreams, I love you...then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh yes! The other night we met at his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, mega heels and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,"Hey Batman, What's for dinner?" "Funeral's Friday."
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
Oh yeah, SubZero, that was COLD! Posted by LeDaemon (Member # 198) on :
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: 'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'
The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.'
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
Daddy's on his way to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee when he passes his four year old daughter standing in the living room holding out two fingers and studying them intently. Playfully as he walks by he says, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers" and pops them in his mouth and says "numanumanum". He smiles and continues into the kitchen. When he returns his daughter is still just standing there looking at her fingers. "What's wrong, Princess?", he asks. The little girl replies, "Where's my booger?"
Posted by Toetapper (Member # 6473) on :
A little girl approaches her mother and hesitantly inquires, "Mommie, how do you make babies?"
The mother decides that some candor is important and, as clinically - and vaguely - as is possible for a young mind, explains the penis and vagina and how they work together.
Without a pause, the little girl says with some suspicion, "Mommie, I saw you last night with Daddie's penis in your mouth! What was that?"
The mother replies, with a smile, "Oh, honey, that's how we make jewelery."
Posted by Toetapper (Member # 6473) on :
As I was reading through another thread, a response from LeDaemon reminded me of this:
A boy, when alone with his father, finally asks a question that has been on his mind for a while: "Dad, umm, what's a pussy?" In response, the father produces one of his more "classy" porn mags, opens it to the center-fold and draws a circle around the model's genitalia, "That, son, is a pussy."
"Oooh. Okay then, Dad, what's a cunt?"
"See everthing outside the circle...?"
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and replied, "Is it on or off?"
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
I got one.
----
A little blind girl goes up to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mom replies, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mom's bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mommy, take off the bandage so that I will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly takes of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mommy, I still can't see." To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
hahahahaha. That's the cruelest fucking thing I've ever heard National. Got any more? Posted by footjoyboy (Member # 26478) on :
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them turns to the other and asks: "Does this taste funny to you"?
_fjb_ Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
^^ Posted by LeDaemon (Member # 198) on :
quote:Originally posted by Drunk_24-7: hahahahaha. That's the cruelest fucking thing I've ever heard National. Got any more?
That WAS truly horrible. I can't wait to retell it myself!!! Posted by footgirl0226 (Member # 29201) on :
OK I tried to tell that joke today... and usually I am funny and can deliver the line - but it bombed... WTF lol I was laughing cause I got it- but I didnt convey that to my co-workers so... I got total shit for it!
Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
His/Her Diary
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and hollow. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
quote:Originally posted by LeDaemon:
quote:Originally posted by Drunk_24-7: hahahahaha. That's the cruelest fucking thing I've ever heard National. Got any more?
That WAS truly horrible. I can't wait to retell it myself!!!
I've told this jokes 4 times already. Twice to individuals and twice in front of big groups. Talk about mixed reactions from all sides of the spectrum. Some really laughed hard and some looked sad and dissapointed and some were in-between.
Posted by Cain (Member # 8492) on :
The Little Rascals are sitting in class and the teacher asks the class if anyone can spell dictate. Buckwheat raises his hand and says d-i-c-t-a-t-e. The teacher says great.... Now use it in a sentence... Buckwheat says, Darla says my dictate good.
Posted by -cfg- (Member # 13863) on :
quote:Originally posted by Cain: The Little Rascals are sitting in class and the teacher asks the class if anyone can spell dictate. Buckwheat raises his hand and says d-i-c-t-a-t-e. The teacher says great.... Now use it in a sentence... Buckwheat says, Darla says my dictate good.
I'm pretty drunk right now, but I swear that is the funniest thing I've heard all day. Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Cain...that was fucking gold!!
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it NOW!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples..."
"Just DO IT!", he shouted.
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask to reveal that it was her husband.
"See honey - its not that bad."
----
Here's another one --
Q: How are women and condoms alike?
A: They spend more in your wallet, and less time on your dick.
----
The last one --
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and yells, "What the FUCK is your problem?! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy said, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
[ August 01, 2008, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: National ]
Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
This is good stuff National. Entertainment at parties and during work breaks Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
Relayed txt I got today....
"Hey, I'm watching the olympics and I think there's a problem with the lights being too bright, most of the audience seem to be squinting!!" Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Fucking GOLD footlong! Almost committed alcohol abuse by spitting out my beer! Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
2 Blondes froze to death outside an English theatre last night while waiting to see a play called "CLOSED FOR THE WINTER" .
Posted by Bootman (Member # 1280) on :
A blonde woman is driving through some back country roads when she notices another blonde rowing a boat in a field. Angry, she pulls the car over, steps out and shouts "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! IF i could swim i'd come out there and kick your ass!"
-------------------------------------------------
Man on a business trip is holed up in his hotel. Pretty bored and nothing to do for a few days before a meeting he seeks out the only local bar he can seem to find in this weee bitty town. To his dismay it's a gay bar. No big deal, he thinks, atleast i can get a brew and relax a little bit.
Enters the place and asks the barkeep for a beer. Bartender asks "What's the name of your penis, buddy?" The guy, obviously startled "What? Why?" bartender: "It's one of the rules to this bar, you must state the name of your penis before i'll serve you" He points to the rule plaque posted above the register.
The man ponders for a second, and asks a few other guys what they had named theirs. After about 3 people he finally comes back to the bar, "I'd like to order my beer, now"
Bartender asks "And the name of your penis?"
Guy replies "Secret...Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
Posted by Bootman (Member # 1280) on :
What do you get when ya take all the stools and seats from a gay bar?
A fruit stand.
Hah. That's so lame it's funny.
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
A half a cat
Its so random but me and my buddy pissed ourselves laughing at it for about a good 10 mins... sad lives we lead Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
Good stuff Blue, another one that makes me ponder just what makes me tick is how funny I find this classic from my dope smoking days...
Q: What's the difference between a chicken and a grape?
A: They're both purple, except for the chicken.
Posted by Bootman (Member # 1280) on :
Lol just saw this earlier...
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Posted by wvcple2003 (Member # 5268) on :
Use the good approach for you married guys. Heres 2.
The wife, our son and I went to the zoo one day. They decided to browse the reptile section while I checked out the mammals. After a while I was checking out the horse paddock when my son came up and tugged my sleeve and asked me to come close. I bent down and my son asked what that big thing was between the horses legs! I said "Thats his penis son" He replied, "When I asked mommy, she said It was nothing"! I put my arm around his shoulder and said, "Son, Ive spoiled that woman"!
Posted by wvcple2003 (Member # 5268) on :
OK this is an easy one. Shrek, Angelina Jolee and John Holmes were sittin around a table in fantasy land. Shrek says, "I think im the strongest fucker in the world". Angie says "I think Im the most beautiful girl in the world", John says, "I think I got the biggest dick in the world". So Shrek says, "fuck guys, lets all check our magic mirrors tonight, and tell the results tomorrow". So they meet up the next day. Shrek says "Fuckin A Im the strongest" Angelina says "Fucin hell ya, im the most gorgeous" They both look at John Holmes, and tears are streaming down, and he has a snotrag plastered to his nose, and hes crying like a bitch. "Whats wrong they ask" he looks up tearfully and asks "Whos Mr wvcple2003"!
Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
Pastors son says to his dad "dad, can I use the car?". Pastor says "No, but if study your bible and cut your hair then I will reconsider."
One week later "dad, can I use the car?" Pastor: "Well I see you have been studying your bible but you have not cut your hair." Son says "Aaron had long hair, Moses had long hair and Jesus had long hair" Pastor replies "Yes you are right son, but everywhere Jesus went, he walked" Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
Some more tasteless jokes.
Q: Why aren't there any John F. Kennedy Jr. jokes?
A: Because they haven't surfaced yet.
----
Q: What does world hunger and a Mercedes Benz have in common?
A: Princess Diana can't stop either.
Q: What was the last thing Diana said to the paparazzi?
A: No more pictures, I'm a bloody Princess!
--National
Posted by Drunk_24-7 (Member # 21781) on :
Q: What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolph Hitler? A: Michael Phelps knows how to finish a race. ------------------------------------------------- Q: What do nine out of ten people enjoy? A: Gang rape. ------------------------------------------------- Q:What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? A:Einstein's Dick. -------------------------------------------------
This one I thought I posted in this thread but it must have been in the prior one that got deleted but this is my favorite, it kills everytime it hits anyone who's never heard it before...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife".
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Oh did you now, And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Yes, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." -------------------------------------------------
Observation of the day..."Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?"
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
Two Jokes Today
First Joke
----
Second Joke
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'?
The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
Some more tastless jokes. Just how I like them.
Q: Where does Princess Diana stay when in Paris?
A: Any place where she can crash.
–
Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
A: He's got a better driver.
–
Q: What did St. Peter say to Diana at the Pearly Gates?
A: Wipe that "merc" off your face.
–
Q: Did you see the wall Princess Di drove into?
A: Neither did she.
—-
Non-Diana jokes.
Two brothers are opening presents at Christmas. The younger brother has 20 presents and the older one only has one. The younger brother says to the older one, "Haha, I have 20 presents you only have one!" The older brother replies "Haha, you got cancer."
–
*Let's see if you get this one*
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
–
Q: Why are women's feet so small?
A: So they can stand closer to the stove.
–
Q: What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
National
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Fucking great jokes National!
Posted by wvcple2003 (Member # 5268) on :
Q- What do you tell a woman in WV with 2 black eyes.
A. Nothing, you've already told her twice!
Thats for national to also use at his companys Christmas party!
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her! Posted by wvcple2003 (Member # 5268) on :
Well fuck, Imma get racial remarks thrown back at me on this one. But here goes.
National's mom is so dumb, that in high school her English Professor told her to do an essay!
So she went out and fucked a Mexican.
Sorry National!!
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Nicely done wvcple! Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
Ha, hhha!
I realize it's all fun and games and no harm was intended. Just to let you know, I understand that.
But let me get back at you just to even things up, wvcple. Your mom is so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
I like that windshield joke, bluetoelover, by the way.
----
Now, for my favorite part of the evening: Princess Diana jokes. Here we go. For your office Christmas party.
Q: Why is Diana like a mobile phone? A: They both die in tunnels!
Q: What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost? A: Casper can go through walls.
Q: What do Lady Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? A: Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.
Q: Did you hear they're going to make a movie about her? A: Yeah, it's called "Di Hard."
Hey, you guys want to hear another? All right. (clears my throat)...
Q: What does DIANA stand for? A: Died In A Nasty Accident.
Q: What does Diana and George Burns have in common? A: They both died when they hit 100.
Another one? Aw, stop. You guys are too much. Aw, what the heck? Another one won't hurt. You're gonna LOVE this one!
Q: What was the last thing that went through Diana's mind? A: The dashboard.
--National
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
I vaguely remember a Diana joke, something about her putting the "Head and Shoulders" shampoo in the trunk...
Great jokes National, tasteless but amazing. Something similiar to dead baby jokes Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
quote:Originally posted by Drunk_24-7: ------------------------------------------------- Q: What do nine out of ten people enjoy? A: Gang rape. -------------------------------------------------
I told that joke to a girl earlier today. Her response: "Sometimes 10 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape."
--National
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Did you refer her to Drunk's joke whats the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Posted by wvcple2003 (Member # 5268) on :
Heres another one for the office Christmas party National.
Whats strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. The back of my fuckin hand!
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: Did you refer her to Drunk's joke whats the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
Good question. No, I didn't. But I did refer that joke to another girl a long time ago. She had that look on her face that said, "I can't believe you said that." But in a good way, though.
----
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug." She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss." She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich." She says, "Yaaah, in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
----
Boss said to Secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangements.
Secretary makes call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband makes call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private piano lessons: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.
Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.
Grandpa (the 1st boss) makes call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary makes call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband makes call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private piano lessons: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
Grandpa makes call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make the arrangements.
--
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
"But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
"So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !
"The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!", said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
The Doctor said, "My point exactly."
----
----
Q: How does every black joke start? A: By looking over your shoulders.
Q: What do you call a black guy who's flying an airplane? A: The pilot, you fucking racist.
"Hey, I'm not a racist. I own a color TV."
--National
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
I've got a few questions:
If nothing sticks to "Teflon", how do they get "Teflon" to stick to pans?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Do you need a silencer if your going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
If you could drive at the speed of light and turned on the head lights, what would happen?
Why is it that when your'e driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down? (come on. You know you've done it.)
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of a plane?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?
How was the order of the alphabet determined?
And finally: Why don't penguins in the Antarctic ever get frostbite?
Posted by Toetapper (Member # 6473) on :
Umm...I'm still wondering what tornadoes sounded like before there were railroad engines.
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
quote:Originally posted by Toetapper: Umm...I'm still wondering what tornadoes sounded like before there were railroad engines.
A VERY large herd of stampeding turtles. Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
Welcome to another edition of Princess Diana. More tasteless jokes to enjoy the rest of the evening.
Q: Where did Diana go for her holidays? A: All over Paris.
Q: What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking? A: She hit the roof.
Q: What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans? A: The East Germans survived the wall.
Q: What does Dodi and Dodo have in common? A: They're both extinct.
Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.
Q: What sound did the ambulance make when responding to Diana's accident? A: .....Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi....
----
Non-Diana Jokes
A woman gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it across the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"
--
A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing ... so they bury her.
--
Q: What's al Qaeda's favorite football team? A: The New York Jets.
----
I hope you enjoyed the jokes as much as I did. We'll see you next time.
Good Night.
National
[ December 30, 2009, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: National ]
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street,
leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having just witnessed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth would you give him a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!!"
BAD DAY
I rear ended a guy this morning... I knew it was going to be a bad day when the driver of the other car got out and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" I said, "o.k., which one are you?" That's when the fight started.
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
--National
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phone book and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see America's Most Wanted fucking stage a reconstruction of that.
--
Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A: AIDS
Knock Knock (Who's there?) 9/11 (9/11 who?) You said you would never forget...
----
Princess Diana Jokes --
It's that time again, Ladies and Gentlemen. More tasteless Princess Diana jokes. These jokes are a favorite amongst the members of Wu's.
Let's get started.
Q: What would Di be doing if she were alive today? A: Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Princess Di really lived up to her name.
Q: What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant? A: They both bought it in the backseat of a car.
Q: Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana? A: No, the French underground did it.
Q: What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana? A: One's composing, the other is decomposing.
Q: What did Princess Diana die of? A: Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and Princess Di? A: The Lions don't die until after they come out of the tunnel!
One more? Okay, okay ... one more.
Q: Why did the Princess cross the road? A: Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
--National
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Princess Di jokes were great...feel like I'm going to hell after laughing at them but yeah totally worth it!
The vegetable one was killer too!
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: Princess Di jokes were great...feel like I'm going to hell after laughing at them but yeah totally worth it!
The vegetable one was killer too!
I wouldn't worry about going the going-to-hell part. It's not your fault. Besides, a TRUE Princess knows that if she stays out after midnight, that she's gonna turn into a concrete wall.
--National
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to make sure he has the proper payment, the 'ol biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the 'ol biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The road wise 'ol biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes, and with a wide smile purrs, "Why yes, yes I sure am."
The 'ol biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash yer hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger." Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
This should be a commercial.
--National
Posted by Diabolicus (Member # 7743) on :
What is burnt to a crisp and sitting at the top of a staircase?
A cripple in a housefire.
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Great joke Sofa!
Nice .gif too National, not to mention the "True Princess" joke!
And Diabolicus..just wow! I lol'd when I read that!
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
A guy and his pet chimp are sitting at a bar, and while the guy is having a beer, the chimp is eating peanuts from the bowl on the bar. After a while the guy decides to shoot a game of pool. The chimp is hanging out watching the game when suddenly he reaches up and takes the cue ball and eats it. Of course the bartender gets mad and tells the guy that he owes him a cue ball and suggests that he take his chimp and leave. A few days later they return, and the guy hands the bartender back his cue ball all clean and new looking. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The chimp takes a peanut from the bowl, sticks it in his ass, pulls it out and eats it. the bartender sees this and can't believe what he just saw. The chimp does it again. The bartender , grossed out exclaims "What is that nasty animal doing?!!" The guy sees the chimp take a peanut, put it up his ass, take it out and eat it. Then he replies, "Well, since that cue ball incident, he won't eat anything without first checking it for fit."
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye exam. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
-- National
Posted by sofatater (Member # 4209) on :
I was in church last Sunday with my grandmother listening to the sermon, when she whispered to me, “I just very, very quietly broken wind.” “What should I do?” I responded, “Change your hearing aid!”
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
More tasteless jokes.
Knock! Knock! Who's There? Sue. Sue who? SUE NAMIIIII!!
Q: What's the least popular detergent in Japan? A: Tide.
Q: What do you call a Jewish homosexual? A: He-blew.
Q: Why do Nipples have bumps on them? A: It's Braille for "Lick Here."
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A: A mechanic.
----
Back by popular demand, Princess Diana jokes. I can't get enough of these. With the many jokes I've told about Princess Di, it's obvious I have a hard-on for her.
Q: Why did Di die? A: Because Mercedes bends.
Q: Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? A: The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it!
Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Henri Paul? A: One had Royal Crowns the other had Crown Royals.
Q: Was Princess Diana crazy that night? A: No, but she was nearly in Seine.
Its a good thing Gianni Versace died first... The news of Dianna's death would have killed him.
Q: Why was Princess Diana's car going so fast? A: She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.
Q: Whats the difference between Princess Diana and a coffee filter? A: One gets tucked in a funnel, the other...
Q: What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common? A: They both came from France in a wooden box.
Q: Why was Diana fortunate to die in Paris? A: In London she would have died an hour earlier!
Q: How do you know Princess Diana had dandruff? A: They found her head and shoulders in the car!
Q: What does a Mercedes and a squid have in common? A: You have to cut them both open to get the "Di" out.
-- National
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
jesus I felt bad for laughing at the princess jokes but it was a guilty pleasure kind of laugh Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
More Tasteless Humor. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Q: What's white on top and black on the bottom? A: Society.
Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? A: Christopher Walken.
I like my women how I like my scotch ... ... twelve years old and mixed up with coke.
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't f-ck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.
Q: What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country? A: Sexy kids.
Q: What do Japanese men do when they have an erection? A: Vote.
A Jewish kid asks his dad, "Dad, can I have five dollars?" The dad replies, "Four dollars? What do you want three dollars for?"
--
Pickup line: Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform?
Trust me, they "fall" for it every time.
--------
A moment of silence before we get into these next few jokes, which are in memory to the love of my life: Princess Diana.
I love you.
Now back to the jokes.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because the tunnel was blocked.
Q: What's the difference between the Blackberry phones and Princess Diana? A: People actually care when Blackberry crashes.
--
Do you remember where you were when you heard the tragic news that Princess Diana had died?
My sister certainly does. It was the best day of her life.
She's a florist.
--
Q: What does Princess Diana and the Queen mother have in common? A: They both died just short of 102!
Q: What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess? A: The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
Q: Why did they find Princess Diana's lipstick on the steering wheel? A: She was blowing the horn.
Q: What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind? A: The engine block.
The way I understand it ... someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought it was an order.
Q: What do Princess Diana and a tampon have in common? A: They go into a dark tunnel and come out all bloody.
Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd. You say someone's life has "come to an end".
Q: Why didn't Superman come and rescue Princess Diana? A: Because he was a quadraplegic!
Q: What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles? A: One has a Mrs. Mangle, the other has a mangled Mrs.
Posted by Scotty7493 (Member # 13127) on :
Hey National, not only are your jokes tasteless, they are also lame.
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
Oh come on man, harmless fun.
Posted by From Hell (Member # 43826) on :
quote:Originally posted by Scotty7493: Hey National, not only are your jokes tasteless, they are also lame.
It seems like you're the only one who thinks they're lame. Going back a few pages, it seems like everyone else enjoyed them. I, for one, got off on them. These jokes do not toe the line of society, which makes them more crude and hilarious.
Those Diana jokes made me cry because I can't believe that he has the nerve to poke fun at her over and over. These jokes are instant classics. I love jokes that are not for women and children.
I've got a tasteless one of my own: After strangulation, what's the only part in a woman's body that stays warm?
My cock.
Posted by From Hell (Member # 43826) on :
quote:Originally posted by National:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because the tunnel was blocked.
Q: What's the difference between the Blackberry phones and Princess Diana? A: People actually care when Blackberry crashes.
--
Do you remember where you were when you heard the tragic news that Princess Diana had died?
My sister certainly does. It was the best day of her life.
She's a florist.
--
Q: What does Princess Diana and the Queen mother have in common? A: They both died just short of 102!
Q: What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess? A: The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
Q: Why did they find Princess Diana's lipstick on the steering wheel? A: She was blowing the horn.
Q: What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind? A: The engine block.
The way I understand it ... someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought it was an order.
Q: What do Princess Diana and a tampon have in common? A: They go into a dark tunnel and come out all bloody.
Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd. You say someone's life has "come to an end".
Q: Why didn't Superman come and rescue Princess Diana? A: Because he was a quadraplegic!
Q: What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles? A: One has a Mrs. Mangle, the other has a mangled Mrs.
LOL!
All your jokes, especially the Diana ones, are so offensive and yet so funny.
I'd rather have a sick sense of humor and laugh at these and go to hell than to not laugh at them and go to heaven. Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
quote:Originally posted by From Hell: I've got a tasteless one of my own: After strangulation, what's the only part in a woman's body that stays warm?
My cock.
Oh, my God! You're truly a sick individual. Spoken like a true serial killer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
quote:Originally posted by From Hell:
quote:Originally posted by Scotty7493: Hey National, not only are your jokes tasteless, they are also lame.
It seems like you're the only one who thinks they're lame. Going back a few pages, it seems like everyone else enjoyed them. I, for one, got off on them. These jokes do not toe the line of society, which makes them more crude and hilarious.
Those Diana jokes made me cry because I can't believe that he has the nerve to poke fun at her over and over. These jokes are instant classics. I love jokes that are not for women and children.
Yup. And we're neither one of them.
That's okay, though. Part of why I love posting jokes about my little Princess Di is of some of the boos that come from the audience. With offensive jokes, if one half laughs with me and the other half doesn't find it appealing, then I've done my job.
It's also funny that you said what you said, Jack the Ripper. This first joke ties right in with that quote of yours.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and someone who gets offended by my Diana jokes? A: The dog eventually stops whining.
--
For Diana, Forever In My Heart.
Q: What do you give a princess who has everything? A: A seatbelt and an airbag.
Q: What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? A: You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz.
--
Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di....
Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard
--
Q: What do you get if you rearrange the letters in "Princess Diana"? A: Snap! Dies In Car
Did you hear they're blaming a specific tabloid for Princess Diana's death? The Paris Post.
Q: Why didn't the airbag on the Mercedes function properly? A: It was strapped into a safety belt in the back seat.
First the dodo died, then Dando died, then Dody died, then Diana died. I bet Dido's shitting herself.
--
The crash scene was just like the way Diana loves her sex: hard and fast and up against a wall.
[ October 25, 2011, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: National ]
Posted by GooeyFeet69 (Member # 30750) on :
A couple are due any day to have their first child. The day finally arrives and they head off to the hospital. The husband being a little weak around blood takes the option of staying in the waiting room. A couple hours later the doctor comes out and says:
Dr - " I've got some bad news and some good news"
Husband - " oh jesus!!! give me the bad news first Doc"
Dr - " Your child is a ginger, theres no other way of saying it"
Husband - " Oh my god thats horrible, I don't know if we can deal with that.........well give me the good news Doc!"
Dr - "Its Dead!!!!"
Posted by bluetoelover (Member # 14736) on :
It's funny because ginger's have no souls! lol Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
A clip from ESPNs Mike and Mike. Good thing I saw this part of their radio show at the moment it happened. Otherwise I wouldn't have known this conversation ever happened.
-- National
Posted by Toetapper (Member # 6473) on :
As I get older, it gets harder to attract women, especially young ones, and I was despairing about this.
However, the other day, I was in the park when a young gal caught my eye. When she looked at me a spark passed between us and she fell to her knees at my feet.
As I was making passionate love to her on the grass, I thought to myself, "Gee...these Tasers are great!"
Posted by FootLongSub Zero (Member # 19380) on :
quote:Originally posted by National: A clip from ESPNs Mike and Mike. Good thing I saw this part of their radio show at the moment it happened. Otherwise I wouldn't have known this conversation ever happened.
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
Posted by National (Member # 8568) on :
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....![[Thud]](graemlins/thud.gif)
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