I'm not going to deny that I'm one of those people, and I know that some of you in here can be placed in this category. Yes, I bet you are.
Let me describe this scenario.
There you are. You're in love. You're with someone who you think could be The One. There you are, thinking that this person is The One. You can see yourself spending at least four years with this person.
What happens?
You move in with her, maybe you marry her. Then you start to blow off your friends. The people you casually dated in the past? Well, you don't call them anymore. You just ... sort of cut them out of your life. How about those booty calls who never hear from you again?
Once in a while, you get a call or a text from them wanting to know what you've been up to lately. These are the same people you don't call back.
Anyway, there you are in love and you don't need to talk to these booty calls anymore, the ex-girlfriends. That's what love does to you.
But here's the dirty little secret about being in love: for many people (let's see if you're one of these people), no matter how much you're telling people you're in love, no matter how much you're telling people that this could be The One, no matter how many wedding invitations you send out, somewhere ... within the deep recesses of your mind, there lies doubt.
This is something that you don't even admit to yourself, even though it's within. Somewhere in your mind, you're thinking to yourself, “What if this doesn't work out?” Somewhere in there when you're in your deepest, darkest moments or when you're having a stupid fight about nothing, you think to yourself, “What do I do if the relationship falls apart?”
The way you know you're one of these people, is if you have the phone numbers, addresses and the data of the people from the past. Any of them. Even if it's just one of them.
Now that everyone has a Blackberry, an iPhone or what have you, you keep all this data.
I have more than 80 names and numbers in my phone. They are business names and phone numbers, they are ex-girlfriends, booty calls, women I merely dated, women I was trying to hook up with but couldn't because she was busy or I was busy. I even have phone numbers of women who ... (I'm looking at one them right now) ... this one says Patricia. But I seem to remember that Patricia was really “Pa'treesia” (that's my way of pronouncing Patricia in Spanish). Patricia was from Venenzuela.
She. Was. HOT.
I don't know what happened. We never got around to hanging out with each other. We talked on the phone a few times. She was interesting to talk to. But then something went wrong. Maybe I was bonin' somebody else, I don't know. Whatever it was, we never got around to seeing each other. But do I delete Patricia's number from my phone? No.
Why don't I delete it? Because one day, if I'm feeling lonely, I'm going to dial that number and see if she remembers me. I'm going to do it. Not only that, having her name and number in my phone means that if she decides to call me out of the blue (which she did once, and could very well do again), we will set up a date to see each other one night.
Now you may have numbers and names like that. Names and numbers from people who you wanted to hook up with, but didn't for whatever reason; numbers from people who you hooked up with at least once; people who were your booty calls; people who you thought about dating seriously, but then had a change of heart.
I have a phone number in here of a woman who I saw from time to time over the last twelve months.
We had sex thirteen times in one day. That's right.
She was insatiable. Absolutely, positively insatiable. I would go to her place and she would be on her knees in 30 seconds. This girl wouldn't stop with her wild antics until I had to practically roll myself out of the door.
Unlike Patricia, I know this person's last name. I have her cell number, her work number, it's all in here.
Then, there came a time where she was getting a little too ... sticky, you know what I mean? She was becoming more interested than just meeting up and getting nailed. She wanted to take our connection more seriously, and I had to put a stop to that. But do I delete her name or number? No.
Why do I bring this up? Because there are some of you out there right now who claim to be in love. Maybe you're about to move in with your girlfriend, maybe you're about to get engaged, maybe you're about to get married. But I'm talking to you right now.
If you're about to get married, and you've got numbers like that in your phone, and you won't delete them, then why not?
Here's the thing: some of you might be very protective about this thing. For example, I have friends who, when they get into relationships, instead of deleting these numbers, they change all the female names to male names. Jennifer becomes John, Christina becomes Christopher, Alexis becomes Alex, and Natalie becomes Nate.
You will keep these names in there come hell or high water.
Or there are ways using Microsoft Outlook to make certain phone numbers “private.” You can go back to that list whenever your girl isn't around. In that list, all you see are the phone numbers of the “plumber,” there's another one for the “attorney,” another for the “insurance company,” and yet another for “ConEdison.”
If you're one of these people, you're the one I want to talk to. You keep these numbers because no matter how much you say you're in love, it is not because these are your friends. You have these numbers just in case you need to see them again for another hook up.
You are.
It indicates that you have some resemblance of doubt about the situation you're in.
Seriously, how many of you, driving to your wedding, or going over to see your girl, had a phone in your pocket with all these numbers in there? I'll bet a lot of you.
How many of you are sitting out in a romantic dinner and there's your phone? It starts to ring and you grab it for fear that she will catch the name of the person who's calling in, a name she's not supposed to see.
I know there are those of you out there because I've been that guy before.
I have some phone numbers in here that are a few years old. Those numbers have transferred from phone to phone. I will even go as far as to say that I have a number in here of a woman who I'm not sure if she's dead or alive. This lady had a serious medical condition. I'm not sure if she's alive. Do I delete her number? No.
These numbers are in there because there might come a time where I'm going to have the urge to give them a call and see what's up.
There's this other chick who, since we first met, has moved on to another relationship. I've called her several times since and she knows it's me calling. There's the possibility that one day, when things go sour with her boyfriend, she will come calling me and we're going to have sex just like the last time we got together. By the way, I had her number in my phone all through another relationship I had.
When I met her, she already had a boyfriend. Then she started seeing me and dropped the boyfriend. Then I started seeing someone else, but kept her number. When I was done with that, we met up at a hotel and went at it. Now she has a boyfriend.
These people continue in your life, and it's very strange how they do so.
How many of you are, or have been, in this situation in where you are with someone you care about a lot, but that phone of yours has a lot of information crawling inside of it?
I don't care how much you say you're in love with a particular person. You have those numbers in there because there is a seed of doubt planted within you. You have these numbers saved in there because it's one of those in-case-of-an-emergency, break-glass kind of situations.
Right?
-- National
[ October 31, 2011, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: National ]
posted
It might not even be phone numbers, it might just be Facebook friends/email addresses etc.
And I can honestly say that I've deleted all the ones my partner would disapprove of (not because I'm scared "she might find out"; more an issue of commitment and the fact that I haven't a seed of doubt about the relationship - why would I need to be "friends" on some skank's Facebook? I do regular cullings just to get people that piss me off, off of my friends list, so I'm certainly not interested in contacting someone I haven't talked to in years just to "catch up" because I was once in some way attracted to her).
I mean I'm in a bit of a unique position with my partner - met online as friends, things developed and I've as good as moved literally to the other-side of the world to be together with her. I wouldn't have done that had I had doubts so I could be the exception to the rule.
I've even deleted my Facebook foot profile with which I used to join foot groups and such anonymously...I have no need to do that now, so, why hold onto the past I suppose is my opinion on the matter...?
I'd say you're kind of walking a fine moral line keeping those numbers on your phone for the reasons you admit to, but fuck, it's not like I'm the thought police or anything.
posted
i am with Andy on this on too National although i see if from a different perspective. i dont think it's you.. unless you are commitment phobic. the reason i think you do that is because you havent found 'The One' because once you do, if you are serious about it, you wont want those numbers. then again, seeing as you see The One:
quote:There you are. You're in love. You're with someone who you think could be The One. There you are, thinking that this person is The One. You can see yourself spending at least four years with this person.
i dont think you want The One or are ready for it.
posted
Yes, if I had that one girl who I love deeply, then there would be no need for me to keep all that data hidden in my phone.
You're right, Nusuth: I don't want to find The One. Even if I were ready for such a relationship, I would pass up on the deal.
I'm done with my search of looking for The One.
Done.
DONE.
For me to reconsider, she would have to have no male friends, and no facebook account. I guess that eliminates just about everyone as potential long-term mates.
Today's world is a vastly different entity than it was in the 1950s and 1960s, where husbands had jobs that made them enough money to support the entire family; and even if the wife had a job, it was not at a time where any of them had twelve email accounts and were sending or receiving text messages from their ex-boyfriends and then not tell you about it or lie about it to your face.
Who needs that?
We're now part of an era in where you have to keep tabs of the person you're involved with. And if you have to keep track of someone like that, then you're with the wrong person.
Without being in any serious relationships, I don't have to worry about any of that.
I'm also against the idea that men should marry. So if I stay with some girl long enough, I run the risk of giving her ideas that marriage won't be that far ahead.
Are there exceptions to the rule? Of course. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
I think Andy's case is an exception because I thought about him as I was putting my thoughts together to start this topic. I thought about him because I know he's in love with someone who gives him no reason to lead a double life when it comes to what he's doing and who he's doing it with. Never in my mind did I think that he had to hide numbers of certain females or make up excuses as to why he's keeping certain numbers. He's completely safe.
Nusuth, living a swinger's lifestyle, has no need to hide other females from his wife. They have a lot of fun attending parties and events that cater to them. No need to hide numbers in that case, either.
So I understand there are exceptions. But I do not believe that the majority of guys are going to be as successful in marriage as the minority of guys are.
My approach is living the life of a bachelor. It's less stressful, it saves me more money, and the availability of multiple women is too enticing more me to pass up on. Women who are the descendants of Ozzie and Harriet are a rare breed these days.
If married men do live longer than singles, then I won't mind giving up years 75-85 if it meant that I won't be able to find the one who can convince me to marry her or even stay with her for a long time.
To answer what Andy said towards the end, if I were in a serious relationship, then, yes, I would be walking a fine line that can jeopardize my relationship. I mean, I had to live through that scenario to keep my cover in tact. But now that I have little to no care about being in another serious relationship, keeping all of these numbers is not something I need to worry about.
Now I'm at a place where I don't care what my booty calls or friends with benefits are doing. I don't care how many male friends she has in real life or facebook, I don't care how many male phone numbers she has, I don't care if she goes to Cancun for spring break and releases her inner slut. I don't care what or who she does during her free time, as long as I'm part of the package.
If I were in a serious relationship, and she tells me that she wants to go to Cancun with the girls for spring break, I'll let her go. But she shouldn't expect me to welcome her with open arms by the time she gets back because you'll have to be naive to not know what goes on in those hot spots. But being that my relationships with these women are without any strings attached, why should I care if she goes there? While she's doing her thing, I'll be doing my thing with some other girl.
posted
just as a side note, my happiness with my wife and our relationship is not due to being swingers because we havent participated in any extra-curricular activities in over a year. that's just a bonus when we are up for it.
posted
Damn national. You said almost everything i've been thinking for the past 5 years of my life. Which is why i'm still single for the latter 3 of these years. Almost 25 years old, making $23 an hour on straight time.... Every time i've had a girl i couldn't bother keeping more than a paycheck or two in the bank... Now, if i got fired or laid off, i'd live comfortably for almost 2 years before ever even needing work again.
Saves money, no heartache. And nobody to keep tabs on. Then again, maybe in our lack of "looking" for the "one" mayhaps we'll end up with a clinger that we can actually stand? I'm not a fan of committing to any woman in this current state of the world. As national said...Shit ain't like it was in the 50's n 60's.
-------------------- I've got a fetish for sexy female feet. Everybody knows. I love it. Posts: 675 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Shallow to a certain degree Nusuth but also a degree of truth as well. Hell, when I was single I had about a good 10g's in the bank then hooked up with my now wife and BOOM! There goes the dollar bills lol Its just a simple fact. Unless you have the relationship of where she pays for her part of dinner for example then yeah stuff says the same but I'm old fashioned I guess in terms of paying for the lady's portion of whether it be dinner,movie,mini golf etc...
There is times when I was just dating my now wife and thought about how if I was single again I'd be shitting money but money can't buy happiness and I would probably just lead a life of emotionless devoid sex and hey don't get me wrong, that would be cool for like a year or two at the most but it would get old after awhile. Guess I'm just meant to be with my wife and I don't see a damn thing wrong with it
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quote:Originally posted by Bootman: Almost 25 years old, making $23 an hour on straight time.... Every time i've had a girl i couldn't bother keeping more than a paycheck or two in the bank... Now, if i got fired or laid off, i'd live comfortably for almost 2 years before ever even needing work again.
Awesome!
quote:Originally posted by Bootman: Saves money, no heartache. And nobody to keep tabs on. Then again, maybe in our lack of "looking" for the "one" mayhaps we'll end up with a clinger that we can actually stand? I'm not a fan of committing to any woman in this current state of the world. As national said...Shit ain't like it was in the 50's n 60's.
I agree.
----
I'm putting out the call to those guys (or women) who are married or in relationships and yet you've got the phone numbers of those you've boned or been boned by in the past. I'm talking about the booty calls, the potential booty calls, the people you flirted with, the people whose numbers you got at bars and clubs, the ex-wives that you don't have children with and have no reason to be speaking to.
You know what I'm talking about.
Do you change the names? Do you have them in codes? If so, then why do you keep these numbers? I think you keep them because you know that this is a hardcore sign that you have doubts about whatever relationship you're in. This is probably a good clue that you shouldn't be in a relationship right now.
If you need to keep the numbers of people you've boned or been boned by in the past, you should not be married, you should not be in a relationship, you shouldn't be living with anybody. You should be bonin'.
posted
Man, just stop obsessing and take the plunge. By the way, who cares. I'm married and happy...lol. You can be the same too. By the way, there is no such thing as "The One" because all relationships are works in progress. There is someone bound to piss you off, disagree with you or say something you don't like. It's a part of life so get over it. Wondered how your parents stayed together for so many years?? (If they did really.) After a while it get's boring and redundant. You want a challenge: Stop trying to find a million different girls to love one way, when you can find one girl to love a million different ways!!! Get over it and look at the reality of it and call a spade a spade. Just delete the numbers you have and grow up.
Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2010
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quote:Originally posted by tyvianc: Man, just stop obsessing and take the plunge.
You mean take the plunge into getting married? Usually, marriage does not give men incentives into walking down that aisle. It does, however, provide women with a lot of safety nets should the marriage take place, which explains why so many of them have are so horny for it.
quote:Originally posted by tyvianc: By the way, there is no such thing as "The One" because all relationships are works in progress.
While I do believe that not everyone is going to find that one person who is The One, I do believe that such people do exist for others, even if there's work to be done.
quote:Originally posted by tyvianc: There is someone bound to piss you off, disagree with you or say something you don't like. It's a part of life so get over it.
While I do know that each person is just as different as anybody's fingerprint is, it's way more of a headache if it's within the confines of a relationship or marriage. Now, when I talk about disagreements in relationships, I'm not talking about holding a grudge against her if she likes chocolate and I prefer vanilla instead, or if we can't figure out what movie we want to watch together. I'm talking about the nagging, the cajoling, the harassing, the lying, all of it decays a marriage. A lot of emotions are going to get caught if it falls apart after the split.
But I don't mind having to go through any of that with a FWB or booty call because if she doesn't like my stand on whatever issue is at hand, she knows where the door is. Besides, there are times where I would say something or do something on purpose just to boil her blood or to lower her self esteem. That's my way of reminder her that she's not the princess that she's "supposed" to be and it's a way of getting her to redeem her self image to me that she is a great lay.
In a relationship where there is no string attached, I have nothing to lose if that's the last I ever see of her. And if I do, the issue is not as likely to rear it's ugly head compared to a relationship where a lot of time and love is invested in it. More will be at stake if the relationship is lost.
quote:Originally posted by tyvianc: Wondered how your parents stayed together for so many years?? (If they did really.)
They got used to the habit of living under the same roof and not liking each other for that long just like the Israelis and Palestinians. And I'll go as far as to say that that's the case for a lot of marriages. I guess those are the guys in the other half of the marriage statistics. You know, the "successful" group? Plenty of them have consulted with lawyers because they wanted to escape insufferably nasty, horrifically high-maintenance spouses. But the more legal realities they heard, the more those banshees they were married to began to resemble June Cleaver. When they coined the phrase "take him to the cleaners," the followup -- "cheaper to keep her" -- wasn't far behind.
quote:Originally posted by tyvianc: You want a challenge: Stop trying to find a million different girls to love one way, when you can find one girl to love a million different ways!!!
For many, this is sound advice. For me, the concept of staying with one girl long enough to love in a million different ways is alien to me. I'd rather have different kinds of courses of dinner than to have to eat a Philly cheese steak every night. Nothing immature about that.
I understand where you're coming from and I really hope that no married man in this forum wakes up one morning and is blindsided with the news that the wife has served you with divorce papers.
Another reason why I started this topic was because a conversation like this came up with a group of people I know. Most of the ladies and some of the guys were lying or in denial about their reasons for keeping those numbers. I wanted to see if I get the same kind of responses in here.
-- National
[ November 04, 2011, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: National ]
posted
National, I agree with most of what you said. I just differ when it comes to commitment. I love commitment. Problem is I like younger women, who to me from my life experiences, take better care of their bodies. I like going to bed and waking up with someone who looks beautiful to me in the house or out...I say all that to say these younger women are fiends for this internet...my dominican ex had 20+ emails. No way was I going to keep up with that. Plus she had so much going on, eventually she was going to slip up. It has totally changed my perspective on any woman who appear to be a good girl. Just because they don't go out and sleep around don't mean they're not cheating. To me emotionally cheating is even worse actually.
You could go anywhere and find sex, it requires no names, faces, or any other kind of information. It can happen on drunk or ecstacy influenced night...whatever can happen. But to let another man(or men) into your life to get to your soul, know your feelings to the point they feel they have formed that special bond...one of the guys was so cold with it, even had her telling me HE was her soulmate...I'm like, well why don't you be with him!?!?! I was out! But it left a stain on the brain...she never went out, hardly drank, and yet in still I had to leave her like we were married and I caught her in our home in our bed with a guy.
So yes I keep girls in my phone that I have a mutual understanding with. I can't be worried about your emails when I can easily find someone just as or even more so physically attractive to get my rocks off. I have a girlfriend now, and I feel like I love her, but yet in still because we're going to be apart mostly until july(with few and far apart visits in between) I will keep wondering if she is the one, or if she is going to sleep when she says she is going to sleep...its so weird because trust is build on what...faith? But if something out of the ordinary happens or something that is usually consistent isn't consistent anymore, its sparks that seed of doubt. I wonder if you've seen that movie "Doubt" with meryl streep...the movie is by far something I wouldn't go see in a million years, but you know women...anyhow what got to me is that you can have so much faith in something/someone that everything is perfect because you feel like you know everything about it. And all it takes is one situation...and it can shake you forever.
Thing is with me I go into every relationship as if its something that can be totally new...even if I got the numbers in my phone, I'm actually on the countdown in the beginning to clip them off...not one at a time, but all at once. But I got to give it a year or 2...I say 2 because that's how long it took for me in all other relationships to see if we where going somewhere. Needless to say that doesn't give time for alot of relationships. I have had really only 3 real girlfriends in addition to my wife(yes I love commitment). I want to be able to let the booty calls go so bad, that I totally give my all into the relationship. But differences come up. When I get lonely, I look to my woman, or if I'm single...A woman. A woman gets lonely, again from my life's experiences, they go on the internet. Facebook, google+, myspace wherever they have men just waiting to just make her feel like she's god's gift to women. I don't get it, and I hate that about the internet, and phones with internet! lol...I'm a lil tipsy, so I think I'm making sense...but I love my gf now...and I am doing all I can to make sure she knows it. I hope it works out. Good luck with your own situation National...
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