posted
Tonight was supposed to have been one of the best nights of my adult life. Instead, it turned out to be one of the most ghastly and horrible.
I had arranged to have dinner with one of the most charming and beautiful women I've ever met - and she just happens to have some of the most beautiful feet I've ever seen.
I was overmatched and I knew it, so thankful to have convinced this enchantress to join me for dinner (and possibly feet). I'd been anticipating this dinner for several days and was elated at the prospect of what this night might hold. I felt like the luckiest man in the city.
To prepare, I donned one of my premium shirts, crisp, sharp, with french cuffs and hard collar. Necktie of camel silk and excellent quality. I wore my best timepiece and favorite cufflinks. A cashmere-blend, sharkskin suit of royal blue and of the finest fabric, with cuban-style lapels.
I picked her up (her name is Karen) then drove to a signature steakhouse restaurant for a fine meal and the hope of making a distinct impression. On the way there I did begin to feel a little bit nauseous, queezy in the stomach.
We arrived at the restaurant and after placing our orders, I went out to my car & drank some Pepto Bismal which I keep in my trunk for emergencies - then back inside to join Karen, my meal companion and (hopeful) foot-friend.
WARNING: what follows next is not suitable for mixed company. If you are faint of heart (or if you have a sense of value), please skip the next few paragraphs.
After placing our orders, my queeziness began to worsen and my stomach tied in knots. Evidently, the Pepto Bismal hadn't worked. I suddenly felt a powerful urge to relieve myself FAST. Excusing myself, I dashed for the restroom, fled to an open stall and ripped wildly to get my pants down in time - inadvertantly tearing the clasp and breaking the zipper.
Before I could do anything else, there erupted a diarhetic splat attack that was ghastly and sickening. Horrified, I looked behind me to realize that I hadn't gotten my pants completely down, quite soon enough. What was even worse, is that the tail of my quality dress shirt had caught most of it and directed it straight down INTO my pants (and all over me)!
Shocked, sickened and horrified, I yanked wildely to get out of my shirt and pants, making even more of a sickening mess as I did so. Realizing then that there was no real escape from this predicament. What would I do? Go back out to the table, covered in excrement?
So I did the only thing possible. I fled! Ran out and straight to my car, only to THEN realize my car keys were in the suit jacket, which had been checked at the door!
Noticing a crowd of people staring at me now (in my underwear, T-shirt and quality, Cordovan Wing Tips) as I clutched and yanked wildly at my car's door handles, I heard one of them shout from the crowd "There he is, that's him!". Of course, I then feared one of them would call the police. So I RAN!
First down one street, then through a residential area from one yard to the next. Jumping a few fences here and there while trying to avoid the yards with dogs. Still unable to escape the ghastly stench of what was now beginning to dry and cake all over my legs (and elsewhere).
At one point, a sympathetic youth offered to hose me down in his back yard and he did this from a great distance. It was a huge relief for me but I still had to get home without being picked up by the police. I had no wallet, no keys, no cell phone and was dressed only in my (soaking wet) shorts, T-shirt and Cordovan Wing Tips.
After about an hour of my cross-town trek, running down a paved alley, a motorist rolled down his window and asked if I was alright, lost, etc. He probably thought I'd escaped from a mental instution (or Jeffery Dahmer's apartment) and was running for cover, who knows?
This fine citizen actually listened to my story and believed it! He even offered to give me a ride to a friend's house and thank HEAVENS for this fine citizen.
At my friend's house, I showered and shampooed, then threw on a blue t-shirt with pocket and a pair of sweat pants. WHAT A RELIEF to feel human again. We SPED back to the restaurant but (of course), Karen was long gone.
They told me she had gotten VERY upset at my having run off, leaving her there. Not just that, but sticking her with the bill on top of everything. They were not particularly pleased with me as well and did have a few harsh words of their own.
Now I'm thinking it would be useless to even try to explain this to her. Who in their right mind would ever BELIEVE something like this? It's probably a moot point because she'll never answer another phone call from me anyway.
So that's how I spent my Tuesday evening, and it is FINALLY over with.
[ August 10, 2005, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: Ben Del Amitri ]
-------------------- Respectfully,
Ben
Malory in Signature Posts: 5772 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
OMG, Ben, I´ve just laughed tears reading your story.
I know it must have been HORROR for you! But it was written so well, I just burst out laughing --- imagining how you`re scrambling off into the night in your shorts, while this lovely lady sits at the table eating her steak & waiting for you. It sounds like a scene from an old Clouseau movie, or from There`s Something About Mary.
You know what I would do: I`d show her this thread, I´m sure she`d understand when she reads it. Maybe she`d even think it`s funny. And if not: In five years time you`ll be laughing about this as well
-Hal-
[ August 10, 2005, 06:05 AM: Message edited by: Hal ]
posted
A really embarassing story I might say Mr Ben. When I was in high school it happened to me as well... and I ended up back at the class with no underwear and inside T-shirt, because I ve used them as sanitary material because I found out later that there wasnt any. I m sure after some time you ll be laughing on this story as much as I do remembering the abovementioned story it happened to me years ago.
Now, what you can do .. is to call her ... and explain her the situation honestly. You could get a print out of this Thread and show it to her .. and on second thoughts you could communicate with me (with means other than electronic or hitech material) so I that I could explain the situation to her.
posted
Oh Ben' I feel for you buddy. I had a Incident at a restaurant like that except I was throwing up. So embarassing that to this day I have a fear of restaurants, and always scope out the place and get close to the restroom.
You are a lucky man in that you got help, are you would be on the news. Man Running around city half naked, and shit all over him. "Stay tuned"
Posts: 1366 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
I'd suggest giving her money for the bill, apologizing, and then say that you felt really ill. I'd skip the details. At worst, you save face. At best, she will appreciate your efforts and give you another chance.
Posts: 671 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Oh Ben. You cannot imagine the pain with which I read your plight. And yet your ability to so eloquently turn a phrase has helped you to produce what may be the funniest thing I have read in ages. The humor comes from knowing all too well how horrifying an experience that must have been. I think all of us have had to cope with a gastro-intestinal disaster at least once in our lives, and most can also relate to the date that went miserably, but add the desperate, pantsless dash to the car that turns into a pantsless dash from tree to tree as you try to make your way home, only to finally be hosed off by a neighborhood kid.....what can I say? Brilliant. A bit of a different situation, but remind me to tell you one day about being chased down the street by an angry father in nothing but a pair of leopard print bikini briefs and knee-high black engineer boots. Oh, and did I mention it was during a snow storm?
Peace and intestinal fortitude.
Posts: 712 | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Originally posted by IAmSpartachris: Oh Ben. You cannot imagine the pain with which I read your plight. And yet your ability to so eloquently turn a phrase has helped you to produce what may be the funniest thing I have read in ages. The humor comes from knowing all too well how horrifying an experience that must have been. I think all of us have had to cope with a gastro-intestinal disaster at least once in our lives, and most can also relate to the date that went miserably, but add the desperate, pantsless dash to the car that turns into a pantsless dash from tree to tree as you try to make your way home, only to finally be hosed off by a neighborhood kid.....what can I say? Brilliant. A bit of a different situation, but remind me to tell you one day about being chased down the street by an angry father in nothing but a pair of leopard print bikini briefs and knee-high black engineer boots. Oh, and did I mention it was during a snow storm?
Peace and intestinal fortitude.
I just have to here this--- Posts: 1366 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
Somebody from the restaurant called tonight and made it clear, I shan't be returning. I was told in clear language that I am not a welcome guest there and was asked in the strongest of terms not to "challenge them on this". They got my number from the reservation info. Clever people.
-------------------- Respectfully,
Ben
Malory in Signature Posts: 5772 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Ben, i feel sorry for you brother,that really sucks.It does sound funny, but when we are in the situation ourselves with crap on our jeans,it isn't so funny.Too bad you couldn't have talked more with the girl.I remember once plugging up an ex's toilet so bad i had to yank the shitty TP out of the pot and throw it out the window of the bathroom.It was the "Dumb and Dumber" scene in real life.Thank God she had left to go to the store for 30 minutes,and THANK GOD for Lysol
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Join thousands of our fans on Twitter @Norcalfeetdotco Posts: 18348 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Wrinklesguy: Ben, i feel sorry for you brother,that really sucks.It does sound funny, but when we are in the situation ourselves with crap on our jeans,it isn't so funny.Too bad you couldn't have talked more with the girl.I remember once plugging up an ex's toilet so bad i had to yank the shitty TP out of the pot and throw it out the window of the bathroom.It was the "Dumb and Dumber" scene in real life.Thank God she had left to go to the store for 30 minutes,and THANK GOD for Lysol
The "Dumb and dumber" scene was so funny when I first saw it that I cried my eyes from laughter non-stop like hysterical. I havent seen such a funnier (shittier) scene ever
quote:Originally posted by rhbdz17: I'd suggest giving her money for the bill, apologizing, and then say that you felt really ill. I'd skip the details. At worst, you save face. At best, she will appreciate your efforts and give you another chance.
Well Ben that does sound like it made for a really bad night. Sorry to hear it happened to you, but we've all been there in embarassing situations so don't worry about it. I'd have to agree with rhbdz17 on this one. Though it may be tough I'd give her a call and explain to her what happened (Maybe not in all the details, but tell her you were ill). I'd also say to pick up the bill and possibly her taxi fare if she had to take one to get back home. I think if she's understanding and a nice person than she'll forgive you and hopefully give you a second chance. Like I said we've all been there and I'm sure she has been too.
Posts: 93 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Two days later and I haven't tried to call Karen yet. Not sure if this is salvageable at all, maybe it's best to just write it off and chalk this up as a lesson learned.
-------------------- Respectfully,
Ben
Malory in Signature Posts: 5772 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
doesnt it suck that shit like that only happens when your out. never when your at home and can take care of the problem easily. sorry to hear that ben and wish u luck on the rest of your dinner expereinces. i guess this one just wasnt mean to be
in your post you say you picked her up.im assuming this means you know where her mail is placed everyday?
i would write a letter and pay her back for what she might have had to pay for.make it short and simple,a true apology and an effort to make things right again only,nothing more,nothing insinuated.let it lie as just that for a while and allow things to cool off for a month or so...thats what the weather will be doing in the meantime as well.go with nature.
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