This is my first story and proper post on this forum, before i always used this site to post basic comments but never anything about me, and what follows is quite a dark tale i wish to share with people anonymously as i think it may help with my condition.
I don't know if you lot know of this condition, but its a very obsessive problem. I thought I would share it with this tight community here, I am fairly embarrassed by this. It all started when the juices started flowing around puberty sort of time, and I would see my brothers FHM laying around and I would flick through them, checking out the ladies, articles and it was kinda cool (all i needed was a model picture showing her legs, bum or feet (preferably in heels) and i would be perfectly satisfied.
Then it came to sky TV freeviews and the softcore pornography that would be on channel 5 at times, and blam, that enough for my full satisfaction, and the FHM was made redundant.
THEN, an older family friend of mine had pornoraphy magazines....surely not? but yes, it was delightful, I would flick through these and learn about the female form, in all its naked/spread glory, and again, all it would take is feet, legs or ass on show, with a little bit of genitalia, and i would be full satisfied.
THEN, I got regular use of the internet, and at that age, I just couldn't stop exploring my genitalia, always with something in front of me to help,and over time it the images I would look at were getting more and more explicit, for me to reach my full satisfaction.
Sorry this is probably boring you by now, but it gets worse. A few years go by, I am around 18 or so, and I am pretty much constantly downloading pornography. (of all types, and i think it was here i started looking at things that i was curious about rather than attracted to). I was certainly already on this forum and in to feet, fully. I was now looking at pretty much every type of porn I could find, and was noticing I rejected the softer images and satisfied myself to the stronger stuff. (all of this whilst i had a gf, i would say serious, but it was youngsters pretending and thinking it was serious (my first ever gf), of which my current relationship proves this notion.))
Blam! a few more years, and i am 20, now i really am looking at it all, from gay porn on occasion, regularly shemales, and a handful of times, dare i say it, child pornography. (when i first looked at the latter mentioned here, it was a genuine mistake, someone on one of these p2p file sharing programs had intentionally renamed the files to something far less harmful). I got the reaction from seeing it, much like any right minded person here would, disgusted, shocked and closed it instantly. But, a small part of me got an adrenaline rush from seeing it, and it was a HUGE rush. I knew i shouldn't be looking at it, and so i reopened it once i got past the initial shock of what i had seen.
Afterwards I felt unbelievably guilty and sick, and deleted the p2p program, all the downloads, and went about cleaning my computer of all traces of this sickening "session". Months and months go by and this shock is still with me, slowing down my craving for harder and harder porn, so i stuck to the more basic pornography, and somehow i reverted to using more erotic and softcore imges to fully satisfy myself, somehow this shock had put me back to being more sensitive to porn, like when i first started looking at FHM.
A couple of years go by and i slowly build this tolerance up again, and a couple of times even reinstalled this p2p program, to stumble upon another "mistake". I even got the stage of typing in things related to what i had seen before, which again, as i did so caused this huge adrenaline reaction. I seemed to like this feeling, afterwards i loathed myself and felt guilty (as anyone would), but once that subsided, hours, days, weeks, months or even years later, i would find myself building up this tolerance again.
I am ashamed to admit it, but, i do have a problem with pornography, I am by no means a pedophile, gay OR in to transexuals, but the adrenaline rush i got over the years IS attractive.
Pleasuring yourself to things that in reality disgust you because you are high on adrenaline and dopamine is very confusing after the experience has gone. This in conjunction with the fact that i have got OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is very hard indeed, and in fact Pornography Addiction is very much an obsessive, and compulsive habit. One of my obsessions (prior to all of this confused adrenaline seeking behaviour ) was in fact being terrified of being a pedophile. Another was being terrified of being gay, and so on it goes. This is possibly why i ended up feeding my curiousity. Little did i realise at the time feeding my obsessions on such topics as well as getting that hit of adrenaline and worry, which for some reason i see to crave.
This account of my behavior makes me come across as some sick deprived lost soul, in which i really am not. I have a condition in which is hard enough as it is, the internet unwittingly made it harder for me with the availability of pornography, and tolerance is definitely something i implore you all to watch closely.
Sickeningly a lot of the worlds most profilic rapists and mass murderers were in fact addicted to pornography.
This is probably the first time i have ever been quite so brutally honest about this condition so please don't shoot me down. Hate me if you will, but please understand i am sharing this number one, to get something off my chest and number 2, to help you all keep your tolerance and addiction levels under wraps.
I am now 22, and am hardcore porn free (pretty much since i got with my current Gf, 8 months ago), i occasionally look at feet pictures on here *under the contribution section), but i get that guilty feeling (as i am now in a very committed loving relationship). Also, i find i REALLY want to carry on with my pleasure seeking once i see feet, so i think i may try and keep my logging on to here down to a bare minimum too. This isn't a farewell as such, but if i do disappear from this site its all for a valid reason, and i hope you can all wish me luck in my "clean" future.
Pornography addiction can cause serious knock on effects, and one of which is affecting your sexual relationships as you are completely desensitized to it all. I really do hope you look at this article at an educational viewpoint.
Thanks for your time, below is an article on my conditions (people without OCD diagnosed can still get seriously addicted to pornography). Also below is a test to see where you stand, when it comes to addiction.
posted
This was indeed a dark tale, I think it takes a lot to admit to the kind of things you did. The whole desensitized thing and other obvious parts of the story are pretty worrying, but you've explained your actions and thoughts eloquently in my opinion and it's good to see you've overcome your problems.
If staying away from porn and subsequently this forum will help you stay "clean" (by your own standards), then best of luck to you my friend.
-------------------- 'Toes all painted, feet all out, it's the aphrodisiac for tommorow without a doubt' - Keith Murray Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
I fit three of those descriptors. I feel I am balancing well on the line but it was great to see that as perhaps a wake-up call
This might sound ironic, but pornography fuels me - I have attained straight A's for the first time in my life this past winter semester and have become an outstanding employee who has been deemed 'employee of the month' and both have come about despite my addiction to porn worsening to an all-time level this year. I have found that putting more time into porn has allowed me to put more time into school and make me a better employee..perhaps that may explain why pornography addiction is not a psychological disorder - (according to Wikipedia.
-------------------- If feet are your bottom line, you're gonna get trampled...if women are your bottom line, you're gonna get lovestruck!
posted
Sorry to sound like a jerk but the vast majority of people who watch, download and whack it to porn don't go as far as you went. So if you're here to preach about the "horrors of porn" save it. My psychology degree tells me you have to be pre-conditioned to do what you did. Search yourself and your history. You'll come it.
posted
Good luck, stay safe, and all the best. I'm happy to hear you're cleaning up and that you are happy with a girlfriend. Hopefully she can be supportive. I'm actually single and I'm wondering if I was with a significant other that I could accomplish more. You just have to think of consequences. Before you act think what can happen if go through this.
Posts: 2004 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
dude, you are a pedophile. any adult who gets hot over looking at children, needs serius help. go to fuckin rehab
-------------------- "Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes." -Big Trouble (2002) Posts: 1855 | Registered: Nov 2007
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I can be on the "wordy" side and could go off on a rather lengthy diatribe here but I believe that I can do this with some brevity:
First, back in the "Old West" (a tradition that goes much farther back), a criminal was afforded an opportunity to discuss his transgressions and warn the audience - there to see him "swing" - of all the snares and traps that lay before them. Then he was hanged. Web Cruiser's sermon has all the earmarks of such a speech. His intent, I think, is to divorce himself from all things that he finds sexually stimulating.
Web Cruiser, you are correct, given what you admitted, that you do have a problem. Some of what you said smacks of a 12-Step-Program. These aren't bad things but are not always helpful. A competent therapist would be a good supplement for you. If they go the route of, "Well it's simply a sex-addiction problem..." Yada, yada, yada. Find new help, they are throwing you into a category without actually hearing what you are telling them.
I am not here to condemn nor defend but I challenge those here to re-read what Web Cruiser has written. (The weight of my Psych degree is upon me as well, Sinnister.) This is not sex-addiction. My guess is that Web Cruiser is more stimulated by the fact that something is "Forbidden" than by the subject matter itself; in this case, the subject matter is sexual in nature. He could have been in a family of Firefighters and the pack of matches started him on his way. He might have been in some obscure South Pacific jungle where fucking a monkey skull was the pinnacle of abomination. He probably wouldn't have had his way with a monkey-skull but would have waited to watch someone who did.
Definitely not a pedophile but a willing witness...long after the fact.
Crap! I was still wordy!
Posts: 5067 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I am no pedophile as i never relieved myself to these images.
Thank you toetapper, i have seen psychologists about this, and what they have said is more in line with the words you wrote.
Footgirl, realise i am not saying OCD is the cause, as it is possible for similar actions with or without OCD. You can call me all the names under the sun, the fact is, i am a 22 year old with great career prospects, and in fact know wholeheartedly just how sick the odd occasion was when i stumbled upon illegal pornography. In my life i have probably seen it 3 maybe 4 times. sure, 3 or 4 times too many, i at no point in time was "getting hot" to it, however, i have done with other catagories of pornography mentioned earlier, namely shemales.
I was on my adrenaline/dopamine rush whilst i came across these images, the images in fact still haunt me to this day, i at no point in time enjoyed this phase of my life. It was confusing, addictive, esteem destroying, and most importantly EXTREMELY huge source of self-loathing and anxiety. As i have suffered from anxiety attacks for many years now, since stopping this behavior I am not as anxious as a person, my anxiety attacks are pretty much non existent, and my obsessional thoughts are in fact relatively controllable now. This behavior was a never ending pool of anxiety, and according to many psychologists i have seen, "you are addicted to negative emotions". Many people feel depressed and do nothing to help themselves, in fact listen to music to make them feel worse, think of things to make them cry more etc etc. I am very much like that, in that i am a human being, and we all have those deep rooted behaviors. However mine is extreme, and just happens to have something illegal and taboo thrown in there. I understand why you would want to call me anything under the sun, and burn me at the stake, but, dare i say it, i am no different to any of you, i just happened to have been addicted to an extreme negative emotion, and i found the "best" source for that. (when i say best, i mean it would cause the optimum amount of problems, i.e. the worst thing i could do to get the "desired" reaction.
I was an emotional self-harmer, instead of physically injuring myself (of which millions upon millions do) i got the same relief with emotional harm. (according to my therapist).
Posts: 323 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I give web cruiser the credit for getting this off his chest and for being honest and open !!
I am touched though by sinnister and toetapper's remarks. I think in their wisdom and experience they are onto something.
One thing is for sure web cruiser you are no dummy, you seem like a very intelligent person. I think having a gf for you is crucial in maintaining self control, focusing your energies on positive things and diverting your attention from some of the rubbish you've been exposed to in all that hard core shit.
Posts: 461 | Registered: Dec 2002
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quote:Originally posted by footgirl0226: You know, the question that is raised all the time on this site is "Why dont more women post and comment and stick around on this site?"
Let me say I can lay money its because of comments like these. Then others commending someone for being open and honest to having an attraction and desire to look at kid porn. Give me a break.
Well lets just pray one of your gf's dont have a child or something cause clearly even though you know things are wrong - you are compelled to still go forward. But when you come back a yr from now and tell that scenerio, I am sure you will still have others that commend you on your excellence of honesty!
footgirl, i think you are completely justified with your reactions but lets be real, i don't think anyone who comments here on Wu's ever has or ever will condone pedophilia or any sort of association with child porn.
Even though we post on here alot, essentially the forum is still anonymous so i think that's why not everyone is as outraged as you are, because it's not like one of their friends (who they've met and know their first name) has come out and admitted this type of behaviour. I think any kind of 'congratulations' being shown here is the kind saying 'well done for NOT going any further down that road', i don't think anyone's hailing the fact that this guy admitted he wanted to look at child porn. Can you really imagine someone coming on here and admitting that they love child porn or that they've done something with a child and people being 'understanding'? They'd get torn apart.
Just my thoughts on the topic, I'd be interested to hear what some of the mods have to say about this even being on Wu's.
-------------------- 'Toes all painted, feet all out, it's the aphrodisiac for tommorow without a doubt' - Keith Murray Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Having read this individual's post thoroughly, I'd have to agree with footgirl0226. I think he's masking his real point ... his predilection for child porn and pedophilia, by trying to "lead up" to it with less outragious "addictions", as he calls them.
I also query WTF this has to do with FEET, and why this poster sees fit to wax philosophically on the "horrors" of "porn addiction" and the "accidental stumblings" of child porn and online "mistakes" in a FOOT FORUM.
Further, I reject the premise that you can draw a line (however circuitous or "accidental" it may be) from FHM magazines to child porn. Pretty much like saying "my children started on bayer aspirin and it lead them to "accidentally" discovering heroin .. which they HATED ... but used anyway ... and BOY are they sorry!
If this poster honestly seeks to find help and treatment for his "porn addiction" - such as FHM magazine, tv freeviews, softcore porn, shemales or whatever, I would encourage him to do so, but without lauding him for his efforts.
As to his predilection for child porn, there is one excellent cure I can whole-heartedly recommend for that: go shoot yourself in the fu..king head! He can blame it on "adrenaline" or "dopamine" or whatever he wants. How about doing it in a more suitable forum and not dragging it into the foot world?
[ August 13, 2008, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: Ben Del Amitri ]
-------------------- Respectfully,
Ben
Malory in Signature Posts: 5772 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Some months ago I took a someone to task here for one of his posts; though I received a number of PM's applauding what I had to say, I felt somewhat badly about it (the fellow hasn't posted here since, I believe). I have been a bit more measured in my remarks, perhaps overly so.
I feel that I left something unsaid above of which your remarks have reminded me: the oft-reviled concept of...(ready?)...PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
Web Cruiser, at some point you must accept that the actions YOU took were based on choices YOU made. You can point a finger of blame at your fetish, brain chemistry, or Death-Rays from Mars but ultimately that finger has to point at yourself. Every seemingly insignificant moment of your life, you are making decisions and choices - right down to which leg you put into your pants first this morning.
You seem to know the difference between right and wrong. If you truly wish to straighten out your life, your path is very clear, you must consistently (that means every time it comes up) choose to do the right thing, even when nobody is looking. Simple, not easy but it is what the rest of us do.
Finally, I look forward to the variety of things that come up here but Ben Del Amitri is right, this is, at best, tangentially related to feet. This, also, isn't the best place to start your "recovery". Surely, there must be an "On-line Confessional" somewhere.
Posts: 5067 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Get the children out of your head, dude. Detox yourself and move to a higher ground of adult themes. And besides, we are primarily about pretty feet in these parts (with some rump roast on the side). Kids? That is DEFINITELY a NO GO. Believe you me, I would turn into the biggest HURRICANE you have ever seen if you got anywhere close to my child. TOTAL DESTRUCTION! So, get/keep help, change up, and keep a clean adult theme life going.
-------------------- V/R, FM9 aka Mr. Footbooty "She had real pretty feet. I was always a sucker for pretty little feet... Outside of her being pretty and hip, with a good body, her feet is what attracted me." - p. 39 of "Miles" (Davis) The Autobiography Posts: 8821 | Registered: Sep 2003
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