posted
i dont really wanna talk about the ins and outs of this anymore. but im going through a sort of self inflicted problem with my girlfriend which im hoping we can overcome.
i've been looking elsewhere for relationship advice, to try and get help so i can be a better boyfriend and a better person. so i posted on a relationship advice forum and instantly got labeled as objectifying women and manipulating because i have a foot fetish.
you know, maybe ive made many huge mistakes in my life but cant people see im looking to find a way to be a better person. i never intended to hurt anyone ever.
this is the post, and im sure to be banned pretty soon.
im not self pittying, i just want a happy life. im really sorry for everything i've posted on here. im just really sorry
Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
That's really harsh - you made a bad move going there it's full of man hating femininazis that don't understand you at all.
I mean within like 2 posts a woman said it's your fault you need to get rid of your addiction - obvious bullshit.
In response to your actual problem - I think you need to discuss it properly with your girlfriend and find a resolution whether it be for the better or worse.
You cannot get rid of your 'fetish' - You have gone through counselling and tried to change yourself for the better.
How you behaved before may well have caused your girlfriends problem - but it's just that - your girlfriends problem. She needs help to get over it. It's your fault her attitude is the way it is but she's the one that needs to change it.
If she is unwilling then that means bye bye. If it was ok before then it could be ok again, if she's won't hear anything more about it you can't change who you are and you'll have to find someone else as hard as that may be.
Posts: 59 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
yeah thats kinda the way i view it too. ive been really honest and admitted my wrong doings, thats the hardest part.
i thought going onto a relationship forum and being really honest i would get an unbiased and helpful answer.
all i got was somebody labeling me as somebody with a mental disorder that is harmful to relationships and therefore i need to get full counciling to learn not to act out my fetish in real life. apparently i am manipulating and objectifying.
it really really hurt. its hard enough to deal with the fact i make my girlfriend unhappy with this let alone to be told i am a bad person.
thank you for your support, it has made a difference to me. i was beating myself up enough already.
like i said i dont really wannt trouble anyone with my problems. its something ive gotta deal with. i could choose to move on, but id rather try to find a solution. which there isnt at the moment, but maybe there will one day be or maybe not.
point it everyone on that forum made me feel really small apart from one person. shame that general society can still have such a negative view about fetishists just by reading up on 'mental disorders'
Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
there is a good story to this. now that i have been blocked from the forum, i received a private message from the one member who didnt judge me negatively. she said this:
"I'm sorry your post has been locked. Some people just don't see that fetishes can be harmless. I wrote you a long reply but it got locked out and I lost it. I am from the UK and have been helping people with their problems for over 25 years. I am a Relationships Expert and Life Coach and incorporate fetishes, sex therapy, low self esteem and lack of confidence in my work.
What I suggested in my last post is that you need TIME here to try to heal the fetish rift between you and your girlfriend. Sure, she's closed to it just now but that doesn't mean she always will be. She just needs to gain back the trust in you again and let her see that you do not view her FEET as the most important part of her, but instead you love her as a whole. Once her confidence is back up then there is nothing to say she wouldn't enjoy having a foot massage from you (heck most women would love it!) It's just that you took it further right?"
for that i am grateful
Posts: 483 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
What was the reason for the breakup? And what was the catalyst that set it in motion?
P.S. Stupid cow "faith" quoted DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) to you, anyone quoting DSM to a person on a relationship forums looking for advice, is a daft cow. Once of my close friends is a certified therapist, and she too would say that person is a "stupid c...".
Sound like your ex-girlfriend that you reunited with has a foot fetish phobia. Address what created the phobia of you or your foot feitsh, not the fetish in general. Remove the "trigger" for this apprehension and you should be good to go. Meanwhile tide yourself over with her shoes, to keep a positive outlook.
quote:Originally posted by realbean: That's really harsh - you made a bad move going there it's full of man hating femininazis that don't understand you at all.
I disagree with your assessment, I think these are by the book, to the letter Skinnerian behavioral theorists. With nothing practical to say. I can summarize her post in three words "Look within yourself". Their call to action is any evidence of what they think is an abusive or toxic relationship to either of the parties.
Had he posted that she chewed him out and screamed at him, they'd start a pity party for him to exit the relationship as she's being abusive.
posted
Take it slow bro. If you handle it just right you can turn this into a great relationship and also have her feet on a regular basis. I met my wife when we were both 15 and the very first thing I noticed was her feet. Being a foot lover I had to tell her how pretty her feet were. Did she find it weird? Sure, but I didn't push the issue or let her know just how badly I wanted to play with her feet. As the years passed and we started dating I slowly worked the foot play into our relationship. She finally started to notice that lots of men stared at her feet and realized that I was not the only man that loved pretty feet and found them to be arousing. Now she too sees how pretty her feet are and loves the power that they have over me. Fact is many men and women don't understand the fetish. Give her time and help her understand that you can't help how you feel about her feet and show her that you love her firstand her feet are just the icing on the cake. I think she will come around.
posted
I haven't read any of the replies here or on that forum, but it's okay to have a foot fetish.
Stand up for yourself and don't let others bash you or put you down. There are a lot of us out here and most rational people understand it's just a fetish, big deal.
Most of my girlfriends in the past have been understanding of it. Some were into it, others really weren't (didn't understand it) but didn't make a big deal or fuss about it.
Don't put so much emotional weight into replies from others on-line. You most likely don't know any or all of them, and they've never done anything for you but be nasty.
Fuck'*m.
-------------------- Like my avatar pic? Apparently Imageshack loves female feet too! Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
"it really really hurt. its hard enough to deal with the fact i make my girlfriend unhappy with this let alone to be told i am a bad person."
Bullshit. You're not a bad person. But you also have to understand and appreciate your girlfriend may not be into it. Learn to respect that and live with it. Ask yourself is your girlfriend who can't appreciate you have a foot fetish more important to you than getting your foot fetish fix??
If it's really driving you crazy, dump her. You'll feel better about yourself and who you are, and you'll be able to sleep at night. Find a girl who is into having you worship her feet (yes, they are out there), and you'll both live happily ever after.
Life is too short to worry about what other people think. It's your life, not theirs.
-------------------- Like my avatar pic? Apparently Imageshack loves female feet too! Posts: 517 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Would she have been upset if you wanted her breasts more often? if everytime you saw her you wanted to caress her breats or focus on them how would she feel? Sometimes we paint ourselves in a corner with the term fetish. many peoplethink that it means there is nothing else that we like as opposed to us admiring the beauty of a woman's feet as we would her smile or her hair. I do not know how you will make it if she absolutely will not engage. Long term what do you think you would do. Could it be a control mechanism? What if what she likes sexually suddenly became something that you no longer enjoyed but she still did? it may be difficult but you will have to decide what's most important to you.
-------------------- New Ship but she's got the right name. You treat her like a lady and she'll always bring you home. Posts: 4051 | Registered: Apr 2005
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1. Anonymous internet assholes tend to behave like, well, anonymous assholes. Some of the meanest people you will ever encounter inhabit such fora;
2. When you are surrounded by insane people who are down on you, you start to question your own worth and your own sanity. You begin to think like they do.
A live person, whether a counselor or a friend, can be of tremendous help. Hang in there bro.
posted
no matter what they claimed, they are narrow minded, 'moralistic' and judgemental. ignore what they said.
my advice about your situation though is that one, ok, you werent the most understanding of boyfriends previously and selfish but you claim this isnt you now. two, you obsess over getting her feet but claim you dont pressure her. i hate to tell you but i have a hard time believing that you dont make her feel pressured. dont forget even asking about the whole situation is going to put stress on her. although i do also think she needs to open up a little also. she seems like she is a little too freaked out over the whole situation.
posted
^ basically. that and what fdf said but yeah dude..you erally gotta take it slow. I've hit the high road like you have before and it fucked up a whole lot of shit for me, but at least now I know what to do and what not to do! Like that Eve said on that forum, never let the feet become more important than the person they're attached to..that's more important than anything really.
Posts: 504 | Registered: Jan 2006
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