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When I heard that my 95 year old grandfather had died, I shot straight over to grandma's house to see how she was holding up. After I made sure that she would be o.k., I asked here how grandpa had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love Sunday morning." she replied. Just a little freaked out I told her that two people approaching the century mark having sex is just asking for trouble. (not to mention a mental image I didn't need.) "Oh no, sweety", replied grandma. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along!!"
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I'll have to try that Devil's Inch. Have you guys ever Mexican Avalanched a girl? It's awesome, you gotta try it...First you ejaculate in a woman's hair and then throw her down a flight of stairs! -------------------------------------------------
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains? "Not yet," she replied! -------------------------------------------------
One day a guy was in his front yard mowing the grass when his attractive blond neighbor came out of to check her mail. She opened the mailbox, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again and Angrily, stormed back into the house.
As the guy was getting ready to edge the lawn, the Sexy Blonde came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the guy asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL." -------------------------------------------------
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it from behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it from behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you Strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. 'How about Nuclear power?' said the stranger smiling. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a Deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know Shit? -------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny's taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Well, Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" -------------------------------------------------
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions. So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red" Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato". "No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it" "Go to the principals office" says the teacher. "No but you're thinking teach", says Johnny, "It's a quarter"
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I am really glad there aren't too many drinking jokes here. My favorite uncle,Uncle Ed died of drinking.He drank a whole gallon of varnish...he had a terrible death,but a lovely finish. -------------------------------------------------I see where KFC are going to honor the Presidential terms of George Bush.They are coming up with the Bush Bucket.It's full of right wings and arseholes..really heavy on the arseholes.
Posts: 227 | Registered: Mar 2008
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgusting! Why do you allow him to do that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry you were exposed to that, but that man has a very serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,"Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?!" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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Little Johnny was at it again. One day his father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees son?" "No!!!! I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age eight I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age nine I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 10 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!" -------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then ays, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten! Now excuse me while I go take a piss." -------------------------------------------------
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
"IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!", Shouted April as the Teacher Fainted.
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Ralph cane home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke in front of the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,"You died in your sleep, Ralph". Ralph was pretty freaked out. "I can't be dead! I've got too much left to do. Too much to live for! Send me back!!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that's as a chicken. Ralph was devastated, but asked St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered in feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? Hows your first day here? "Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating". explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never", said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen", says the rooster. "It's no big deal". Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout... "Dammit, Ralph! Wake Up! You're shitting in the bed!!
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Forgive me for those who are over religious...My brother told this one to me when I was about 7 or 8 and at the time didn't think it was funny. In fact I almost cried..
Jesus up on the hill nailed to the cross. He yells "Moses, I have to tell you something".. Down amoungst the spectating crowed Moses comes out and starts walking up the hill determined to hear what the Lord had to say before he passed...
Jesus: (moaning in pain) "Moses, I want to tell you something" Moses: "I'm comming my Lord."
He almost reaches the top of the hill but the guards with the 'Takin' No Shit' attitude chopped off his arms and he rolls down the hill....
Jesus: (moaning in pain) "Moses, I have to tell you something" Moses: "I'm comming my Lord."
Moses gets up and starts to walk up the hill again... almost to the top, the guards chop off one of his legs... Same thing happens again instead he hops up the hill and the guards chop off his other leg....
Jesus:(crying in pain) "MOSES... WHERE ARE YOU MOSES.... I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!" Moses: (barely alive) "I'm comming my Lord"
Just using his chin, he inches up the hill slowly, almost to the top the guards feel sorry for him and inspired by his determination they decide to let him through... He gets to the bottom of the cross and cries...
Moses: "I'm here my Lord, Tell me what you have to say" Jesus: "I can see your house from here"
[ May 30, 2008, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: FootLongSub Zero ]
-------------------- "When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit" - Dr Emmit L. Brown (Back To The Future) Posts: 7894 | Registered: Jan 2007
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When I was a kid, my dad kept a folder of jokes and as I grew up I have been keeping a collection of my own. Here's a couple more.
Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
Man's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course. And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!
Three women: One engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again... The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boy friend came home, He found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said "You are the woman of my dreams, I love you...then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh yes! The other night we met at his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, mega heels and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,"Hey Batman, What's for dinner?" "Funeral's Friday."
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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