posted
A guy and his pet chimp are sitting at a bar, and while the guy is having a beer, the chimp is eating peanuts from the bowl on the bar. After a while the guy decides to shoot a game of pool. The chimp is hanging out watching the game when suddenly he reaches up and takes the cue ball and eats it. Of course the bartender gets mad and tells the guy that he owes him a cue ball and suggests that he take his chimp and leave. A few days later they return, and the guy hands the bartender back his cue ball all clean and new looking. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The chimp takes a peanut from the bowl, sticks it in his ass, pulls it out and eats it. the bartender sees this and can't believe what he just saw. The chimp does it again. The bartender , grossed out exclaims "What is that nasty animal doing?!!" The guy sees the chimp take a peanut, put it up his ass, take it out and eat it. Then he replies, "Well, since that cue ball incident, he won't eat anything without first checking it for fit."
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye exam. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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I was in church last Sunday with my grandmother listening to the sermon, when she whispered to me, “I just very, very quietly broken wind.” “What should I do?” I responded, “Change your hearing aid!”
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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Knock! Knock! Who's There? Sue. Sue who? SUE NAMIIIII!!
Q: What's the least popular detergent in Japan? A: Tide.
Q: What do you call a Jewish homosexual? A: He-blew.
Q: Why do Nipples have bumps on them? A: It's Braille for "Lick Here."
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A: A mechanic.
----
Back by popular demand, Princess Diana jokes. I can't get enough of these. With the many jokes I've told about Princess Di, it's obvious I have a hard-on for her.
Q: Why did Di die? A: Because Mercedes bends.
Q: Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral? A: The Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it!
Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Henri Paul? A: One had Royal Crowns the other had Crown Royals.
Q: Was Princess Diana crazy that night? A: No, but she was nearly in Seine.
Its a good thing Gianni Versace died first... The news of Dianna's death would have killed him.
Q: Why was Princess Diana's car going so fast? A: She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.
Q: Whats the difference between Princess Diana and a coffee filter? A: One gets tucked in a funnel, the other...
Q: What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common? A: They both came from France in a wooden box.
Q: Why was Diana fortunate to die in Paris? A: In London she would have died an hour earlier!
Q: How do you know Princess Diana had dandruff? A: They found her head and shoulders in the car!
Q: What does a Mercedes and a squid have in common? A: You have to cut them both open to get the "Di" out.
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More Tasteless Humor. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Q: What's white on top and black on the bottom? A: Society.
Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? A: Christopher Walken.
I like my women how I like my scotch ... ... twelve years old and mixed up with coke.
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't f-ck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.
Q: What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country? A: Sexy kids.
Q: What do Japanese men do when they have an erection? A: Vote.
A Jewish kid asks his dad, "Dad, can I have five dollars?" The dad replies, "Four dollars? What do you want three dollars for?"
--
Pickup line: Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform?
Trust me, they "fall" for it every time.
--------
A moment of silence before we get into these next few jokes, which are in memory to the love of my life: Princess Diana.
I love you.
Now back to the jokes.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because the tunnel was blocked.
Q: What's the difference between the Blackberry phones and Princess Diana? A: People actually care when Blackberry crashes.
--
Do you remember where you were when you heard the tragic news that Princess Diana had died?
My sister certainly does. It was the best day of her life.
She's a florist.
--
Q: What does Princess Diana and the Queen mother have in common? A: They both died just short of 102!
Q: What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess? A: The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
Q: Why did they find Princess Diana's lipstick on the steering wheel? A: She was blowing the horn.
Q: What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind? A: The engine block.
The way I understand it ... someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought it was an order.
Q: What do Princess Diana and a tampon have in common? A: They go into a dark tunnel and come out all bloody.
Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd. You say someone's life has "come to an end".
Q: Why didn't Superman come and rescue Princess Diana? A: Because he was a quadraplegic!
Q: What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles? A: One has a Mrs. Mangle, the other has a mangled Mrs.
quote:Originally posted by Scotty7493: Hey National, not only are your jokes tasteless, they are also lame.
It seems like you're the only one who thinks they're lame. Going back a few pages, it seems like everyone else enjoyed them. I, for one, got off on them. These jokes do not toe the line of society, which makes them more crude and hilarious.
Those Diana jokes made me cry because I can't believe that he has the nerve to poke fun at her over and over. These jokes are instant classics. I love jokes that are not for women and children.
I've got a tasteless one of my own: After strangulation, what's the only part in a woman's body that stays warm?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because the tunnel was blocked.
Q: What's the difference between the Blackberry phones and Princess Diana? A: People actually care when Blackberry crashes.
--
Do you remember where you were when you heard the tragic news that Princess Diana had died?
My sister certainly does. It was the best day of her life.
She's a florist.
--
Q: What does Princess Diana and the Queen mother have in common? A: They both died just short of 102!
Q: What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess? A: The frog turns into a wall and croaks.
Q: Why did they find Princess Diana's lipstick on the steering wheel? A: She was blowing the horn.
Q: What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind? A: The engine block.
The way I understand it ... someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought it was an order.
Q: What do Princess Diana and a tampon have in common? A: They go into a dark tunnel and come out all bloody.
Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd. You say someone's life has "come to an end".
Q: Why didn't Superman come and rescue Princess Diana? A: Because he was a quadraplegic!
Q: What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles? A: One has a Mrs. Mangle, the other has a mangled Mrs.
LOL!
All your jokes, especially the Diana ones, are so offensive and yet so funny.
I'd rather have a sick sense of humor and laugh at these and go to hell than to not laugh at them and go to heaven. Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2011
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quote:Originally posted by From Hell: I've got a tasteless one of my own: After strangulation, what's the only part in a woman's body that stays warm?
My cock.
Oh, my God! You're truly a sick individual. Spoken like a true serial killer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
quote:Originally posted by From Hell:
quote:Originally posted by Scotty7493: Hey National, not only are your jokes tasteless, they are also lame.
It seems like you're the only one who thinks they're lame. Going back a few pages, it seems like everyone else enjoyed them. I, for one, got off on them. These jokes do not toe the line of society, which makes them more crude and hilarious.
Those Diana jokes made me cry because I can't believe that he has the nerve to poke fun at her over and over. These jokes are instant classics. I love jokes that are not for women and children.
Yup. And we're neither one of them.
That's okay, though. Part of why I love posting jokes about my little Princess Di is of some of the boos that come from the audience. With offensive jokes, if one half laughs with me and the other half doesn't find it appealing, then I've done my job.
It's also funny that you said what you said, Jack the Ripper. This first joke ties right in with that quote of yours.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and someone who gets offended by my Diana jokes? A: The dog eventually stops whining.
--
For Diana, Forever In My Heart.
Q: What do you give a princess who has everything? A: A seatbelt and an airbag.
Q: What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? A: You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz.
--
Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di....
Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard
--
Q: What do you get if you rearrange the letters in "Princess Diana"? A: Snap! Dies In Car
Did you hear they're blaming a specific tabloid for Princess Diana's death? The Paris Post.
Q: Why didn't the airbag on the Mercedes function properly? A: It was strapped into a safety belt in the back seat.
First the dodo died, then Dando died, then Dody died, then Diana died. I bet Dido's shitting herself.
--
The crash scene was just like the way Diana loves her sex: hard and fast and up against a wall.
[ October 25, 2011, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: National ]
posted
A couple are due any day to have their first child. The day finally arrives and they head off to the hospital. The husband being a little weak around blood takes the option of staying in the waiting room. A couple hours later the doctor comes out and says:
Dr - " I've got some bad news and some good news"
Husband - " oh jesus!!! give me the bad news first Doc"
Dr - " Your child is a ginger, theres no other way of saying it"
Husband - " Oh my god thats horrible, I don't know if we can deal with that.........well give me the good news Doc!"
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A clip from ESPNs Mike and Mike. Good thing I saw this part of their radio show at the moment it happened. Otherwise I wouldn't have known this conversation ever happened.
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As I get older, it gets harder to attract women, especially young ones, and I was despairing about this.
However, the other day, I was in the park when a young gal caught my eye. When she looked at me a spark passed between us and she fell to her knees at my feet.
As I was making passionate love to her on the grass, I thought to myself, "Gee...these Tasers are great!"
Posts: 5067 | Registered: Apr 2005
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