quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: Did you refer her to Drunk's joke whats the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
Good question. No, I didn't. But I did refer that joke to another girl a long time ago. She had that look on her face that said, "I can't believe you said that." But in a good way, though.
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At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug." She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss." She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich." She says, "Yaaah, in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
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Boss said to Secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangements.
Secretary makes call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.
Husband makes call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.
Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private piano lessons: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.
Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.
Grandpa (the 1st boss) makes call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.
Secretary makes call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.
Husband makes call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private piano lessons: This week we will have class as usual.
Small boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.
Grandpa makes call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make the arrangements.
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An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
"But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
"So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !
"The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!", said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
The Doctor said, "My point exactly."
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Q: How does every black joke start? A: By looking over your shoulders.
Q: What do you call a black guy who's flying an airplane? A: The pilot, you fucking racist.
posted
Welcome to another edition of Princess Diana. More tasteless jokes to enjoy the rest of the evening.
Q: Where did Diana go for her holidays? A: All over Paris.
Q: What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking? A: She hit the roof.
Q: What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans? A: The East Germans survived the wall.
Q: What does Dodi and Dodo have in common? A: They're both extinct.
Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.
Q: What sound did the ambulance make when responding to Diana's accident? A: .....Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi....
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Non-Diana Jokes
A woman gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it across the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"
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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing ... so they bury her.
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Q: What's al Qaeda's favorite football team? A: The New York Jets.
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I hope you enjoyed the jokes as much as I did. We'll see you next time.
Good Night.
National
[ December 30, 2009, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: National ]
posted
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street,
leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having just witnessed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth would you give him a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!!"
BAD DAY
I rear ended a guy this morning... I knew it was going to be a bad day when the driver of the other car got out and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" I said, "o.k., which one are you?" That's when the fight started.
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phone book and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.
Let's see America's Most Wanted fucking stage a reconstruction of that.
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Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A: AIDS
Knock Knock (Who's there?) 9/11 (9/11 who?) You said you would never forget...
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Princess Diana Jokes --
It's that time again, Ladies and Gentlemen. More tasteless Princess Diana jokes. These jokes are a favorite amongst the members of Wu's.
Let's get started.
Q: What would Di be doing if she were alive today? A: Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
Princess Di really lived up to her name.
Q: What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant? A: They both bought it in the backseat of a car.
Q: Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana? A: No, the French underground did it.
Q: What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana? A: One's composing, the other is decomposing.
Q: What did Princess Diana die of? A: Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and Princess Di? A: The Lions don't die until after they come out of the tunnel!
One more? Okay, okay ... one more.
Q: Why did the Princess cross the road? A: Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
quote:Originally posted by bluetoelover: Princess Di jokes were great...feel like I'm going to hell after laughing at them but yeah totally worth it!
The vegetable one was killer too!
I wouldn't worry about going the going-to-hell part. It's not your fault. Besides, a TRUE Princess knows that if she stays out after midnight, that she's gonna turn into a concrete wall.
posted
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to make sure he has the proper payment, the 'ol biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the 'ol biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The road wise 'ol biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes, and with a wide smile purrs, "Why yes, yes I sure am."
The 'ol biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash yer hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger."
-------------------- It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy! Posts: 762 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
What is burnt to a crisp and sitting at the top of a staircase?
A cripple in a housefire.
-------------------- ~Eyes all around you~ ~Enter the labyrinth~ ~Visions of the hunted~ ~Beware the birchmen~ Posts: 584 | Registered: Jun 2005
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bluetoelover
unregistered
posted
Great joke Sofa!
Nice .gif too National, not to mention the "True Princess" joke!
And Diabolicus..just wow! I lol'd when I read that!
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